TRICIA GLORIA NABAYE INFO

About Me

Tricia Gloria Nabaye is a digital rights advocate, feminist movement builder, and engagement strategist working at the intersection of gender, technology, and social justice. Her work centres on strengthening the agency of women, young people, and marginalised communities as they navigate digital spaces, through movement building, practical digital safety support, public engagement, and evidence-based advocacy.

She works across feminist futures, digital safety, technology-facilitated gender-based violence, AI governance, and inclusive digital participation. Her practice includes designing and facilitating community dialogues, workshops, and wellness-centred spaces that translate complex issues into accessible knowledge while fostering collective resilience and care. She supports coalitions, civil society actors, and community organisers to shape safer and more equitable digital environments rooted in Afro-feminist values.

Tricia is also a seasoned writer and strategist. She has produced reports, newspaper articles, and blogs that drive conversation on online violence, ethical technology development, digital inclusion, and the future of work in East Africa. Her advocacy extends to engaging policymakers, CSOs, and grassroots communities on human rights, ethical tech governance, and community-centred digital futures.

She is currently pursuing a Master of Arts in International Relations and Diplomacy at Cavendish University Uganda, expanding her grounding in diplomacy, global governance, and multilateral engagement. Beyond professional work, she is passionate about creating nurturing spaces that centre de-stressing, wellness, and community care as essential feminist practices.

Contact Information

- Phone: +256704950400

- Email: nabayetriciagloria@gmail.com

PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT

Facilitator: Feminist Leadership Training – MEMPROW

Advocacy Fellow: Pollicy (2023)

Facilitator/Participant: Feminist Leadership Training – CREA World & FemmeForte (2021, 2023)

Participant: Regional African Women’s Leadership Institute (AWLI) – Akina Mama wa Afrika (2022)

Fellow: Future Africa Fellowship (2022)

Fellow: ITP Media Training – NIRAS/Linnaeus University, Sweden (2022)

Trainee: Model African Union – Friedrich Ebert Stiftung (June 2021)

Fellow: Young Leaders Forum – Friedrich Ebert Stiftung (2020–2021)

Fellow: Young African Leadership Institute (2020)

Fellow: Great Lakes Next Generation Leaders’ Fellowship (2019)

Intern: Foundation for Human Rights / Citizens’ Coalition for Electoral Democracy (2014)

FIND ME ONLINE

WIITNESS Africa – Video on Internet Shutdowns

https://m.facebook.com/WIITNESSAfrica/videos/one-of-the-insights-from-our-huddle-on-internet-shutdowns-as-expressed-by-tricia/1565510960468525/

Academia.edu Profile

https://independent.academia.edu/TriciaNabaye

Friedrich Ebert Stiftung – Feature: Fostering Women’s Empowerment in Uganda

https://www.fes.de/en/shaping-a-just-world/article-in-shaping-a-just-world/fostering-womens-empowerment-in-uganda

Daily Monitor Profile

https://www.monitor.co.ug/uganda/gloria-nabaye-3253688

YouTube Playlist

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLj5dmnp_hq2IhmGBpKKceuHlpEZKQui6A

For a detailed overview of my professional journey, please check out my CV [here](https://linktr.ee/TriciaGloriaNabaye).

He married me!

                                                                         30.06.2023

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." Ruth 1:16

He Proposed!

 

He proposed on National Proposal Day! 

The National Proposal Day was 20th March but my friend Penny celebrated it today and I saw the pics. 

Kumbe Mr was also preparing himself. 
So today I went home to celebrate Jaja’s birthday and somehow Lillian made me sad.
So I went to my place holding back tears. Then Mr. said he was coming by. 

When he walked into the door, I just burst out and cried. And he just kept saying nice things to me. 
I love you. and I want to spend the rest of my life honouring your joy and happiness. Biki biki, me, I was in his chest sobbing. 

The next thing I know, Uncle is on one knee asking me to marry him.
Now I started crying (bawling) tears of Joy. I was in shock bulungi
But he told me he had been anxious the whole day holding onto the ring.

And I said Yes 

     He planned and executed a very intimate proposal.

THIS IS 30

 I turned Thirty today! Three decades lived, with trials but joy accompanying the heavy days. I turned Thirty today!

This is 30, full of full-circle moments

This is 30, raw, unedited...lived

Three entire decades and a girl with a story to tell.

This is 30! A journey still unfolding, a journey to self.

Of fear and blurry nights.

I am sitting here after our phones went off and for the first time on this journey, I am embracing fear as an old friend. 

I am sitting with myself and looking back on the many hurdles we have hopped through, some of me braver than I could ever master.

I am looking back and I am embracing the change that comes with leaving this place I have called my own and the freedom solitude affords. 

I am scared! Many times! But tonight, this fear holds me safe like a dear old friend. I have been brave this long but not brave at the thought of how much changes with just one Yes. 

I remember the stern words of the counsellor and still embrace my fear. I hope we have more journeys of joy over the years than tears and sticky dialogues. I don’t want forever to hurt, even when forever comes with pain, too. 

And so I retire to bed holding fear in my chest. Taking in the last few moments of solitude. Embracing her like a friend who reminds me of what’s at stake. Because every so often, that is the reminder that reminds me of what bravery looks like at this moment. 

The brevity of leaving behind freedom, the utopian spirit of living alone and the effortless joys of just doing life on your terms… when I think of that, I hope my heart can remember the brevity of choosing to do life with another person. 

Tonight we lay down scared of the unspoken things in our dialogue. Selah. 

THE LAST LAP OF THE TWENTIES

There is something about ending a decade! I have lived for Twenty-nine years, and yet there is still more living to do. I am yet to grasp the year's ending and here we are.

This year sums up the dreams I made of my twenties, and these years sum up the many first milestones of adulting. This decade was quite a ride! From the innocent early twenties to the mid-twenties where realisation first visits you to remind you that, the dreams you had at twenty-five are now coming to an end. In your mid-twenties, you realise the pressure you carry around long before the real drama happens. 

And then, you wake up one day and are in the evening of your Twenty-ninth year. A little less sassy than at twenty and more appreciative of a lot of things. I am more appreciative of my friendship with my aunties and my older siblings, I am more appreciative of work and appreciative of my friends that form the more significant part of the support system in the twenties. 

By year twenty-nine, you become more consistent in your purpose, in building for the next decade. I am happy to know that my life's purpose has women and girls at the centre of my advocacy. My purpose extends into all the areas that make my life's web. It is beautiful to see what God can do with the purpose He places in our bosoms. 

But twenty-nine also carried pain with it and taught me that; life comes with pain as well, whereas I would have been overwhelmed, I choose to celebrate the good days, because as sure as day, the bad days would follow along. After all, life is cut out like that. 

I have also come to believe that "Grief really is the price we pay for love" I have cried throughout the decade. I have wept for love lost, loved ones to be gone and love impossible. I have had healing happen only for grief to revisit. In all of it, our greatest loves will be the source of our greatest pains. 

I am okay with growing older, it has never been a thing that scared me, I am if anything, thankful for more life here on earth and in that, every new year is a beautiful blessing and reminder that I am still needed here. 

And so I charge for thirty a month from now, and I am more than thankful for how far I have come and where I will be in the next decade. 

And then I prayed for Him…

 

I write this prayer as a stone memorial for when we look back on this day many years into the tomorrows before us… whatever will be then, this is my prayer for Him. 

 

Today I cover Him in prayer. I pray He loves me as Christ loves the church. I pray that he will find peace with me on this journey as we walk into the next steps of life. 

 

I pray He loves me, leads me, and reassures my heart. Lord, you said, Love is patient and love is kind. I pray that he will love me with this kind of love. Lord, in you there is hope and I am building all our plans and desires on You. 

 

I DECLARE AND DECREE that I will marry my best friend, that I will be his good thing. 

Help to be his good thing. I pray that he will be my protector, provider and the one who I come to God with. Thank you for aligning me with Him. He covers me in prayer, Lord, and so I speak to you about Him because he is no stranger to you.

 

 

I pray that you will keep me on my knees in prayer over the years on this journey. I pray that we may cross many journeys with you at the centre. Help us pursue your blessing on this journey. May he experience open doors and favour. Help us always keep you in the loop of what we desire so that you, Lord, can be the foundation of it all

 

I thank you, Lord, for he has created a safe space for me to be soft. Help me never to take advantage of his love, help me to always see his love as the sacrifice of his heart. Your word says Perfect love casts out all fear. I thank you because he has put my fears to rest. 

 

I pray for providence. May you bless the works of his hands, may you bless his finances, and may you place destiny helpers on this journey that will show up mighty in bringing this union to reality. 

I pray for His plans, Lord, your word says, many are the plans of man, but your way prevails. May your will be done in our lives as we step by faith into our destiny. Help me honour him, respect him, be his helper and submit to him. My heart is undone Lord, I lay bare like the lady with the alabaster jar, and I surrender this beating heart to Him, for Him to hold my hand and always bring me back to your presence as the priest in my life.

 

You know my heart and you know his heart, Lord, and I join my faith with him and pray that you will fulfil our heart’s desires all for the glory of your name. May all honour and glory be unto your Lord. Your word says, when the time is right, you, oh Lord, make things happen. I stand on your word and rest my heart on your timing. In your time, may you turn this into something beautiful, something that brings glory to your name. 

 

Amen. 

 

HE PRAYED FOR ME

He prayed for me...

He bowed in prayer, and at that moment; He prayed to Abba Father.

That moment was a selah moment...

He prayed for us...

He bowed his hands in prayer and at that moment; he committed this journey to God.

That moment was a time freeze...

He has done other things. He has done some other things that would have been memorable.

But he prayed for me, and that has been on my mind.

That moment was a bliss moment...

He prayed for us, and I remembered the foundation of this love journey

Christ, the Master and Captain of this life...

And every day after that, I have prayed for him.

-Selah-

ENIGMA FROM EUROPE

 

The soul from across the border…

Yes…mostly soul because he caught my eye…

In a strange land and in a peculiar way. 

It was a passing moment, but my heart lingered there for a while…

I am not sure anything changes after you learn that 

You are as much mortal at home and away…

So here I am, writing yet another poem…

Immortalising, one more soul…on this journey of mine. 

He was sensitive but not in a conventional way…

He had rogue blended in his sensibilities…

He was in touch with his being…

But much about him remains evasive…

Like someone choosing not to be seen…

Enigmas fascinate me!

I touched him…

I talked to him…

I felt his being….

And yet, he was still an abstract…

One more puzzle…my hands would not put it together.

One more soul…released into my world.

One more experience…I am not in control of…

One more poem was written.

Why the Kenyan Election matters to the East African Region.

 

Getty Images

On Tuesday, Kenya went to the polls to elect its fifth president since independence, but

the vote is too close to call. As East Africans wait on the results, it is impertinent to make

sense of why the Kenya polls matter in the geopolitical narrative of the great lakes region.

Many of us are in anticipation of what the outcome of the Kenya General Elections will be.

As East Africans, we are critically watching the ballot outcome. Kenya plays a central role

in her neighbouring countries; Kenya is the central economic hub of East Africa and serves

as the commercial gateway for Central Africa and therefore, what happens in Kenya will

have strong repercussions in the region.

Equally, the Kenya polls will certainly set a precedent for other East African countries to

follow, regarding political leadership and democratic practices. It should be noted that

Kenya did not have an internet shut down in the current electoral process, a pattern that

has become commonplace with many African electoral processes, violence has been

curtailed and the level of transparency through the process has been beckoned as a

breath of fresh air in electoral processes within the region.

It should be remembered that the 2022 general elections of Uganda, were held amidst a

total internet shutdown and with heavy military presence and arrest of political opponents

and therefore, Kenya sets a new precedent in how to organise, non-violent elections, that

among other things is because of their electoral reforms that came after a rather violent

the electoral process in 2007/8.

The intricacies in the region lie in East Africa’s longest-serving Presidents, If removed,

there is a possibility that the region can finally deal with the narrative of a life presidency in

the East African region. The geopolitical placing of some leaders serves for a longer

the entrenchment of particular people’s interests within the region. Kenya stands out for its

the relative stability in a region where some elections are deeply challenged and longtime

leaders such as Rwanda’s President Paul Kagame and Uganda’s President Yoweri

Museveni has been declared the winner with almost 99% of the votes or been widely

accused of physically cracking down on contenders and rendering the ballot void of

transformative and transitional politics.

Democracies require not just presidents who bow out, but elections that are seen to be

free, fair and peaceful. Kenya is setting a new trajectory for herself, but precarious

questions to ask now and beyond the polls are whether the Kenyan election will birth a new

strongman in the region. And will there be a change in the guard of leadership or an extension

of the old rule? Those among other questions are important for us to interrogate and make

sense of.

While we wait for Kenya’s fifth president, it goes without saying that this election is central

into moving Kenya into the space for healthy electoral processes and for a better Kenya in

the long run. Fundamentally, Kenya has many issues at stake ranging from youth

unemployment that has been at a record high for the past five years, and stands at 30%,

Inflation due to the global economic crisis among other issues and consequently, whoever

takes the office of the president, has urgent work to be done.

Tricia Gloria Nabaye

Resident Research Associate: GREAT LAKES INSTITUTE FOR STRATEGIC

STUDIES.

OF DEEP-END PITS

Today I danced with the thought of suicide [Selah]
I am not brave enough to do it but the thought crossed my mind;
I am happy with my life… it just has been hard holding things together for a while now…
And the fear to ask for help…
People say call me when you need me but I have called sometimes and I could tell the disdain on the other end…
Also, my pride started to shy away from just asking.
But today I danced with the idea of suicide. 
For the first time…it felt like a simple solution to my problems;
I know I am not brave enough to do it…but the thought of it scared me a little bit.
Thoughts become actions…
Today I danced with the solution to living; 
Today I danced with the thought of suicide...

PS: If you ever get to the deep end call 
TOLL-FREE: 0800-21-21-21

TO LOVE AND TO LET GO

 I knew this day was coming so why am I hurting?

I knew you were never mine so why did it hurt?

                                         I loved you and yet for my sanity, I had to let you go...

Hearing you say you love me on the other end of the receiver broke my heart and yet…

                                                It was time to let you go 

This love broke my heart when it didn’t have to

Your love broke my heart. I had to let you go…even if it meant breaking my own heart. 

P.S: Ode to all the people we have had to stop loving in order to rescue ourselves. We know we love you and we know you love us but that doesn’t make that love healthy.

Hearts belong to the Maker

 You know my heart Lord,

There is nothing in my world that catches you by surprise.

Even the chaos in my heart… you are preview to.

You know my intricacies and the proclivities that make me… me.

You know my quirkiness and my stern diversion to principles.

But you also know my warmest self and my heart for community. 

You know me… me your Mumbejja. 

And so, I am in reckless abandonment to your will and purpose. 

My heart’s overwhelm can only be carried by the one who knows me better than I know myself.

And here, in the midst of all the moving pieces in my world… I release my heart to you. 

Be it unto me: According to your Will.   

29ish: Of big ages and finishing a decade well

It is my 29th birthday. Selah! 

I do not what it is but my big age is making me jittery, of course, I no longer have the flare that used to follow me in my tender years, I am quieter and bent on enjoying my solitude, I have a pet in the absence of children [I have decided that is the reason] I am learning patience, I am less impulsive, less sensitive and more forgiving of things not going my way. 

 I can officially say, I am at the heart of adulting, I have had my moment with how expensive saucepans and curtains are, the latter almost wipe me off but also opened my eyes to what bills, budgeting and finances are really about.

I have an investment portfolio, right now it is in pause mode because of the Ukrainian crisis but that too will pass. I have a cloud of witnesses on this journey called mentors, though buddies and cheerleaders. I can officially claim responsibility and accountability on my turf. 

Everything seems to be falling into alignment. And that is the place I want to be for the next year- in alignment. 

In all living, I am very scared of 29, at the back of my mind, is the resounding gong telling me to make 29 counts because it is the last year in the decade of my 20s. That responsibility continues to outweigh my dreams and aspirations. As if for some unknown reason, 29 is my grounding year, in a sense, I feel like, after 29, there will be very little that can ground me if I miss it at 29. 

Phew! I am very scared of 29, I desire to get it right, and to find my alignment in this life. To recourse, realign and repurpose myself for the next decade. I don't want this next year to find me still rumbling about getting it right. I want to have a plan for the next decade, whether it happens in that way or not. 29 is the year to plan for my 30s.

I also know that many of my plans will change as the years unfold but I want to hope that I will have cemented my next steps at my finishing plate in my twenties. 

What a time to be this old! What a time to dream and what a time to align oneself. I am hoping for the best certainly as I also prepare for the worst.
Here is to 29-ish. To be a full-blown adult with responsibilities, to desire more growth, to shape the journey ahead and to enjoy the moments in between. Here's to making it all work. 

29-ish

P.S: This was a 4th April Post.

I PUT YOU IN A POEM

 

Hey, you...

Seeing you from here doesn't put things in perspective.

I like you for me..heck I want you for me

Beyond that...I am clueless

So I put you in a poem.

                                  I see you dare to try...

                                 Will the stars align? Will you dare intentionality...

                                 You don't see it but I am anxious...This...this brave face hides a feeble trembling soul.

                                  I know that you are good for my soul.

I see you stern and sharp...

Rough on the edges but aren't we all?

I like you for me..heck I want you for me

Beyond that...I am clueless

So I put you in a poem.

PS: To all the men capable of making me write poetry. You unleash my rawest self ❤️

GRATITUDE FILES: NSIIMYE

I am seated at Admas Grand Hotel balcony... it is business gateway (and maybe the pleasure of enjoying clean air and serenity) So I can rightfully says it is a business and pleasure kind of thing. 

I digress, but sitting here has given me an opportunity to take inventory of where I am in this life thing, I have many times this year caught myself in despair and grumbling with what I am doing but I took a moment to pull up some gratitude files and I can really say, I am grateful!
I am still scared of turning twenty nine but I am equally happy with how far I have come on this life journey. There was a time I was scared I wouldn't make it this far but to see how much ground I have covered in 28 years! I am filled with bounts of gratitude.

In the chaos of the city, between fuel prices and the overwhelming mundane, you really miss it, you keep going and it is easy to miss the moment to stop and say, "Thank you". Thank you to the community around you, Thank you to God and it shook me that while I sat here, enjoying the cool breeze, I was thankful for a lot of the things that are happening in my world.

Twenty nine will definitely come and I know that I will be okay, I will do life and accomplish that which is rationally possible in my sphere and I will be okay. I am going to choose joy and fight for it. To choose laughter in the presence of tears. To  enjoy all the windows of life that open up on this journey. So, may twenty nine come, and may I be gracious enough to be on a constant journey of grace and acceptance so that my heart can always find the gratitude files archived on this journey. It has been 28 amazing and radically life changing years and I am grateful! 

I am honored to see myself evolve, rebuild and become who I have dreamed  for myself. I feel teary right now because, I almost missed it, but honey I have beaten the odds! I have built a whole world for my feeble heart to dwell in and it is beautiful to see. I have built a village of amazing women in my corner and let me tell you, I have a wonderful force behind me. I have done right by me...and yet I sometimes miss it in the chaos!

For now, I am grateful for the trails of struggle filled with overcoming that I leave behind. I am grateful for the village that makes it possible for me to keep going forward. I am grateful even in all the little moments of "What in the world is God doing right now?"  

In the chaos found in this life thing, I am okay, I am thankful and grateful..Nsiimye...Selah!

An Ode to “You”

 Hey you, yes you, I see you,

Here in a crowd of 42 million people, I see you.

I see you figuring it all out… sometimes chaotic but most times even when you don’t see it there is order.

Yes, you… I see you fumble with the lamp that lights your way. 

I see you give up… I see you get up back again,

I see you daring greatly.

Hey you, I see you doing life,

Yes, it is messy, it is tedious and it is heart wrenching sometimes…

But, it is also… beautiful, joyous, and everything in between the crevices of broken and beautiful 

Live through it all, for in every way… this life, is meant to be lived. 

WHAT BREAKS A HEART?

I don’t know if I have made a habit of penning my heart, but I find that I wear my heart on a sleeve. I am every bit my mother’s child.

Today was a beautiful day, it rained and it made me happy. But today also made me sad, extremely sad. Not for anything beyond the heart. What breaks a heart? I will tell you.

I have had my heart broken at the aspect of losing time, time to find a consistent and steady love. I have had my heart break at the sound of music that reminds me of bonds forged with time. I have had my heart break at the idea of almost, of beautiful stories that could have been made. 

Words fail me but I am speaking of what breaks my fragile heart so easily. I think I break my own heart from time to time. If not most of the time, If Benjamin Zulu was in Uganda, he would call me out of self-sabotage and my people pleasing ways.  But he doesn’t have to come by, I know so. And I am working on myself to either learn how to deal with my flaws or accept them. In every way, something gotta give!

I am scared to end up alone but I am more afraid of ending up in the wrong arms. And this fear has exposed me to all kinds of men, I am at the end of vetting a good man, but a man in a different season of life than I am. And that broke my heart… in many ways, I broke my own heart but also saved it. An oxymoron!

Maybe I will get it right someday not today. Or maybe I might never get it right. But I am sure of the fact that, if it causes me confusion, second guessing and unease—it probably is going to cost me a lot. 

This breaks my heart, but a good man in a wrong season is still the wrong man. Yikes! Tonight I write, tomorrow…I will wake up to raise hope yet again. I will live through a new day, breathe...excel and yet again, look beyond the horizon and dream another dream. 

It was almost everything, but I also know it was covered in extreme hints from me, dipped in extreme need to get it right and if I have mastered anything, I have mastered  breaking at almosts, a cycle that most probably won't end, if I keep believing in people's potential. 

I could write on...but I need a cup of hot chocolate and it is past midnight.

ON EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

 No one ever prepares you for life and everything in between. Somehow we show up and start to figure things out and make them work, and then those that make it in some aspects make it a rule that the way they found can be the way for all of us. 

Everything in between.... but most importantly; the search for our soul mates and the need to be loved. 

I have not been very successful at many things but nothing has perplexed me more than the fact that I have not mastered love. It is more on the end of finding my person...how is it that I have not figured out who my person is! It does baffles me...a lot. 

Also what perplexes me as well, is the fact that we spend so much time trying to figure that out from one human to the next, from those that are just pacing the world, to those that could have been something, to amazing people that for some reason won't just dive into the "ever after" narrative and we end up in a cycle of wrong guy -right time and right guy-wrong guy scenarios. Isn't it exhausting ya'll?

Everything in between now and a future that I know nothing about is a bit worrisome for me but nothing catches me off guard as not knowing my heart's final home. How is it that I am not getting it, am I being too prideful to imagine that I should get it...the love bit life. 

Of course there times, I am oscillating between being the girl that has figured her stuff out into the girl with everything except one thing. On other days, I am swaying between "I need a person in my life" to "I don't think I can do the lifetime thing!" It is the mental and emotional gymnastics that has left me beaten and exhausted on what love really is. I know for a fact...it is everything in between.

I held a baby today, of course it fretted a bit but later settled down and cooed away in my arms. I have always found babies magical. It also peed on me: my little cousin said it is a blessing, I smiled at that thought but more because of the fact that I want a baby. But I come from a church community of religious radicals...I serve in church and all over a sudden I can't believe that I am failing to live this life because I am scared of the judgement of people...mortal men, whose approval shifts by their emotional whims. I am very disappointed with myself for caring about what society will say simply because I want a child before I have a marriage. 

Everything in between... there is a boy...he is a man, I want to say, there are men, most of them just won't commit, they say we mirror off how people treat us and I am wondering if I am mirroring off the "I don't need a committal guy" kind of vibe? I wonder...

My Mr. Good enough guy told me he wanted to play field, he was not looking to marry. He said he fancies me and yet his work was the measure he used to weigh his priority. Ouch! It hurts to write it in black and white but he was my safe choice in a man. A good man, just not my man...that hurt too...writing the truth of it somehow hurts than keeping it in my head.

Then there is this man who I have not yet met, I see in pictures but you know...what can a picture say really?  He came by and I don't know if I mirrored low effort but he gave off the vibes of "Let me just text and see if it goes a long way" Three weeks in and I am not sure if I am not mirroring the wrong energy. He just won't try and somehow, it burned my energy to try as well. The mental energy burnt in navigating the confusion in my head also exhausted me, what if he is "the one"? But "the one" would pursue you with his all. Should I compromise? But you are teaching him how to treat you from the beginning...low effort. How did other people get this part of life right? I am exhausted with the "He could be the one" monologue.

Ofcourse, I fear ending up alone but the fear of ending up in the wrong arms overwhelms my fear to end up alone. And everything in between finding the love of your life and vetting different men has often thrown me off balance! Most times, it has tempted me into focusing on building a lone maid's empire...but yet again, I still care what society will say and I hate myself for that. And I still want to have babies, the marriage...that is something I am still trying to make peace with, especially because a lot of men have turned marriage into a "prize" kind of thing.

I want to meet as partners, build as a team, be intense and real. Want the same goal and ran after it. Share power and build an empire, But I am alive to the power struggle in relationships and more aware of the laissez-faire vibe many people have for this life and for love and for everything in between....

I will end here...for my confusion with it all is a whole rant that can only be offered in peace meals...

I will wait for my answers....to everything in between...even to the unsaid.

Ends.

PS: If the shoes fits...wear it. 

ON SAFE SPACES IN HUMAN FORM: Episodes of Vulnerability

The pandemic will forever be cemented in our memories, for what it stole from but also for what it gave us. Everything about the pandemic came to shake our very existence.  In all the unexpected things, he was the most unexpected companion for two months. He was miles away but the miles created a safe space for me to touch base with the raw and unseen pieces of me. We often look for safe spaces, but this time, I found a safe human...certainly that was also because as an ambivert I thrive in my space as much as I thrive in crowds, and in the absence of one, he was my solace. I look back some days and I feel like I got years of therapy pumped into two months with one person on the other end of the call.

On dealing with past demons...

He had questions and I answered, he learnt a lot of things about me that I had not been able to look straight in the face for years, many nights I wondered why he was easy to talk to, he felt like a mirror you stand in front of and share the innermost and the unseen bits of life...it made me feel naked...vulnerable. I look back and sometimes,  I am embarrassed by how much he knows about me. I am working through my ability to be vulnerable but most importantly why it makes me feel naked and undone. Is the undone a good thing?, should people know that I am not as strong as they have me made out?

On dealing with present struggles...

We talked about the seemingly mundane work we do and its challenges, how my job was the dream job that also had its toxic financial troubles, how I loved the nurturing I was getting and how that dilemma has stopped me in my tracks to move on. He taught me how to build my  portfolio into the next job. We talked about his job, laughed about the things that make us keep showing up...

We talked about building investment portfolios, he is on that journey as much as I am. I told him I wanted to invest in a money market fund and he was impressed by my direction in investment. He acknowledged and on the other end of the phone, I smiled. His ambition very much fuelled my resolved to do better after the lockdown. 

We talked about siblings, the intricacies around marriage...the politics of weddings and numbers. He saw me through my first MC gig for a pandemic wedding. I wailed on the phone on the hard days and laughed into the dead of night on our seemingly good days. We shared lots of laughable moments!

COVID-19

At the start of the two months lockdown, he tested positive for COVID-19, I shared every little drug and remedy I had heard about that could cure the virus. He obliged except for a few. His recovery was our victory. We threatened to create our own line of drug options...of course we didn't but we were happy to have him in good health... I was happy...me and him.

On Mental Health...

At the start of the two months lockdown we really talked about the spotlight mental health was receiving, his relative had experienced one mental breakdown...a few weeks down the road, I was caught in burn out, anxiety and outright mental detonation and he was there...I don't know if it made sense to him but he was there, many times getting the banter of my many frustrations but willing to listen through them. Patient to call back when the storms had passed. 

On Faith

He invited me to a space for reading the bible, of course in that season I had my own favourite pastime as Sarah Jakes Roberts and TD Jakes...I shared every video that was released with him...I don't know if he watched but it was nice to share links with someone that "gets it"

I faithfully attended Bible reading and I enjoyed it, with the time on our hands it was an event worth waiting for. The word fascinated me...it still does!

And everything in between...

When I look back, I made it through those hard months because there was a person willing to allow me be me, to allow me have a good laugh and a good cry without holding it against me. A person who was willing to be vulnerable enough for me to be bare as well. 

Vulnerability still scares me...it will always bare the feels of nakedness and bone bare feels but for two uncertain months, it helped me feel understood and soul touched by another being. The end of the lockdown meant that the guard is back in full combat, the softness is absent...I can feel it, the mushiness of my heart has been replaced with a strong demeanour that I loathe so dearly but has kept me afloat many times as well. 

I don't know if it will take another lockdown or an act of God for me to unravel again for anyone in this lifetime...I am scared enough for what men can do with ammunition...I have seen it and I fear what man can do with vulnerability. But I hope that in this lifetime...I get to share that with other beings and create safe spaces around me in human form. As well as become a safe space for some people.

I am glad that in that season of my life...even though we were miles a part, he was there to see me through the seemingly long hours and he made them memorable. 

I am Thankful  for helping me go through the lockdown with a solid brush of raw friendship.