No one ever prepares you for life and everything in between. Somehow we show up and start to figure things out and make them work, and then those that make it in some aspects make it a rule that the way they found can be the way for all of us. Everything in between.... but most importantly; the search for our soul mates and the need to be loved.
I have not been very successful at many things but nothing has perplexed me more than the fact that I have not mastered love. It is more on the end of finding my person...how is it that I have not figured out who my person is! It does baffles me...a lot.
Also what perplexes me as well, is the fact that we spend so much time trying to figure that out from one human to the next, from those that are just pacing the world, to those that could have been something, to amazing people that for some reason won't just dive into the "ever after" narrative and we end up in a cycle of wrong guy -right time and right guy-wrong guy scenarios. Isn't it exhausting ya'll?
Everything in between now and a future that I know nothing about is a bit worrisome for me but nothing catches me off guard as not knowing my heart's final home. How is it that I am not getting it, am I being too prideful to imagine that I should get it...the love bit life.
Of course there times, I am oscillating between being the girl that has figured her stuff out into the girl with everything except one thing. On other days, I am swaying between "I need a person in my life" to "I don't think I can do the lifetime thing!" It is the mental and emotional gymnastics that has left me beaten and exhausted on what love really is. I know for a fact...it is everything in between.
I held a baby today, of course it fretted a bit but later settled down and cooed away in my arms. I have always found babies magical. It also peed on me: my little cousin said it is a blessing, I smiled at that thought but more because of the fact that I want a baby. But I come from a church community of religious radicals...I serve in church and all over a sudden I can't believe that I am failing to live this life because I am scared of the judgement of people...mortal men, whose approval shifts by their emotional whims. I am very disappointed with myself for caring about what society will say simply because I want a child before I have a marriage.
Everything in between... there is a boy...he is a man, I want to say, there are men, most of them just won't commit, they say we mirror off how people treat us and I am wondering if I am mirroring off the "I don't need a committal guy" kind of vibe? I wonder...
My Mr. Good enough guy told me he wanted to play field, he was not looking to marry. He said he fancies me and yet his work was the measure he used to weigh his priority. Ouch! It hurts to write it in black and white but he was my safe choice in a man. A good man, just not my man...that hurt too...writing the truth of it somehow hurts than keeping it in my head.
Then there is this man who I have not yet met, I see in pictures but you know...what can a picture say really? He came by and I don't know if I mirrored low effort but he gave off the vibes of "Let me just text and see if it goes a long way" Three weeks in and I am not sure if I am not mirroring the wrong energy. He just won't try and somehow, it burned my energy to try as well. The mental energy burnt in navigating the confusion in my head also exhausted me, what if he is "the one"? But "the one" would pursue you with his all. Should I compromise? But you are teaching him how to treat you from the beginning...low effort. How did other people get this part of life right? I am exhausted with the "He could be the one" monologue.
Ofcourse, I fear ending up alone but the fear of ending up in the wrong arms overwhelms my fear to end up alone. And everything in between finding the love of your life and vetting different men has often thrown me off balance! Most times, it has tempted me into focusing on building a lone maid's empire...but yet again, I still care what society will say and I hate myself for that. And I still want to have babies, the marriage...that is something I am still trying to make peace with, especially because a lot of men have turned marriage into a "prize" kind of thing.
I want to meet as partners, build as a team, be intense and real. Want the same goal and ran after it. Share power and build an empire, But I am alive to the power struggle in relationships and more aware of the laissez-faire vibe many people have for this life and for love and for everything in between....
I will end here...for my confusion with it all is a whole rant that can only be offered in peace meals...
I will wait for my answers....to everything in between...even to the unsaid.
Ends.
PS: If the shoes fits...wear it.
