The pandemic will forever be cemented in our memories, for what it stole from but also for what it gave us. Everything about the pandemic came to shake our very existence. In all the unexpected things, he was the most unexpected companion for two months. He was miles away but the miles created a safe space for me to touch base with the raw and unseen pieces of me. We often look for safe spaces, but this time, I found a safe human...certainly that was also because as an ambivert I thrive in my space as much as I thrive in crowds, and in the absence of one, he was my solace. I look back some days and I feel like I got years of therapy pumped into two months with one person on the other end of the call.
On dealing with past demons...
He had questions and I answered, he learnt a lot of things about me that I had not been able to look straight in the face for years, many nights I wondered why he was easy to talk to, he felt like a mirror you stand in front of and share the innermost and the unseen bits of life...it made me feel naked...vulnerable. I look back and sometimes, I am embarrassed by how much he knows about me. I am working through my ability to be vulnerable but most importantly why it makes me feel naked and undone. Is the undone a good thing?, should people know that I am not as strong as they have me made out?
On dealing with present struggles...
We talked about the seemingly mundane work we do and its challenges, how my job was the dream job that also had its toxic financial troubles, how I loved the nurturing I was getting and how that dilemma has stopped me in my tracks to move on. He taught me how to build my portfolio into the next job. We talked about his job, laughed about the things that make us keep showing up...
We talked about building investment portfolios, he is on that journey as much as I am. I told him I wanted to invest in a money market fund and he was impressed by my direction in investment. He acknowledged and on the other end of the phone, I smiled. His ambition very much fuelled my resolved to do better after the lockdown.
We talked about siblings, the intricacies around marriage...the politics of weddings and numbers. He saw me through my first MC gig for a pandemic wedding. I wailed on the phone on the hard days and laughed into the dead of night on our seemingly good days. We shared lots of laughable moments!
COVID-19
At the start of the two months lockdown, he tested positive for COVID-19, I shared every little drug and remedy I had heard about that could cure the virus. He obliged except for a few. His recovery was our victory. We threatened to create our own line of drug options...of course we didn't but we were happy to have him in good health... I was happy...me and him.
On Mental Health...
At the start of the two months lockdown we really talked about the spotlight mental health was receiving, his relative had experienced one mental breakdown...a few weeks down the road, I was caught in burn out, anxiety and outright mental detonation and he was there...I don't know if it made sense to him but he was there, many times getting the banter of my many frustrations but willing to listen through them. Patient to call back when the storms had passed.
On Faith
He invited me to a space for reading the bible, of course in that season I had my own favourite pastime as Sarah Jakes Roberts and TD Jakes...I shared every video that was released with him...I don't know if he watched but it was nice to share links with someone that "gets it"
I faithfully attended Bible reading and I enjoyed it, with the time on our hands it was an event worth waiting for. The word fascinated me...it still does!
And everything in between...
When I look back, I made it through those hard months because there was a person willing to allow me be me, to allow me have a good laugh and a good cry without holding it against me. A person who was willing to be vulnerable enough for me to be bare as well.
Vulnerability still scares me...it will always bare the feels of nakedness and bone bare feels but for two uncertain months, it helped me feel understood and soul touched by another being. The end of the lockdown meant that the guard is back in full combat, the softness is absent...I can feel it, the mushiness of my heart has been replaced with a strong demeanour that I loathe so dearly but has kept me afloat many times as well.
I don't know if it will take another lockdown or an act of God for me to unravel again for anyone in this lifetime...I am scared enough for what men can do with ammunition...I have seen it and I fear what man can do with vulnerability. But I hope that in this lifetime...I get to share that with other beings and create safe spaces around me in human form. As well as become a safe space for some people.
I am glad that in that season of my life...even though we were miles a part, he was there to see me through the seemingly long hours and he made them memorable.
I am Thankful for helping me go through the lockdown with a solid brush of raw friendship.
