WHAT BREAKS A HEART?

I don’t know if I have made a habit of penning my heart, but I find that I wear my heart on a sleeve. I am every bit my mother’s child.

Today was a beautiful day, it rained and it made me happy. But today also made me sad, extremely sad. Not for anything beyond the heart. What breaks a heart? I will tell you.

I have had my heart broken at the aspect of losing time, time to find a consistent and steady love. I have had my heart break at the sound of music that reminds me of bonds forged with time. I have had my heart break at the idea of almost, of beautiful stories that could have been made. 

Words fail me but I am speaking of what breaks my fragile heart so easily. I think I break my own heart from time to time. If not most of the time, If Benjamin Zulu was in Uganda, he would call me out of self-sabotage and my people pleasing ways.  But he doesn’t have to come by, I know so. And I am working on myself to either learn how to deal with my flaws or accept them. In every way, something gotta give!

I am scared to end up alone but I am more afraid of ending up in the wrong arms. And this fear has exposed me to all kinds of men, I am at the end of vetting a good man, but a man in a different season of life than I am. And that broke my heart… in many ways, I broke my own heart but also saved it. An oxymoron!

Maybe I will get it right someday not today. Or maybe I might never get it right. But I am sure of the fact that, if it causes me confusion, second guessing and unease—it probably is going to cost me a lot. 

This breaks my heart, but a good man in a wrong season is still the wrong man. Yikes! Tonight I write, tomorrow…I will wake up to raise hope yet again. I will live through a new day, breathe...excel and yet again, look beyond the horizon and dream another dream. 

It was almost everything, but I also know it was covered in extreme hints from me, dipped in extreme need to get it right and if I have mastered anything, I have mastered  breaking at almosts, a cycle that most probably won't end, if I keep believing in people's potential. 

I could write on...but I need a cup of hot chocolate and it is past midnight.

ON EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

 No one ever prepares you for life and everything in between. Somehow we show up and start to figure things out and make them work, and then those that make it in some aspects make it a rule that the way they found can be the way for all of us. 

Everything in between.... but most importantly; the search for our soul mates and the need to be loved. 

I have not been very successful at many things but nothing has perplexed me more than the fact that I have not mastered love. It is more on the end of finding my person...how is it that I have not figured out who my person is! It does baffles me...a lot. 

Also what perplexes me as well, is the fact that we spend so much time trying to figure that out from one human to the next, from those that are just pacing the world, to those that could have been something, to amazing people that for some reason won't just dive into the "ever after" narrative and we end up in a cycle of wrong guy -right time and right guy-wrong guy scenarios. Isn't it exhausting ya'll?

Everything in between now and a future that I know nothing about is a bit worrisome for me but nothing catches me off guard as not knowing my heart's final home. How is it that I am not getting it, am I being too prideful to imagine that I should get it...the love bit life. 

Of course there times, I am oscillating between being the girl that has figured her stuff out into the girl with everything except one thing. On other days, I am swaying between "I need a person in my life" to "I don't think I can do the lifetime thing!" It is the mental and emotional gymnastics that has left me beaten and exhausted on what love really is. I know for a fact...it is everything in between.

I held a baby today, of course it fretted a bit but later settled down and cooed away in my arms. I have always found babies magical. It also peed on me: my little cousin said it is a blessing, I smiled at that thought but more because of the fact that I want a baby. But I come from a church community of religious radicals...I serve in church and all over a sudden I can't believe that I am failing to live this life because I am scared of the judgement of people...mortal men, whose approval shifts by their emotional whims. I am very disappointed with myself for caring about what society will say simply because I want a child before I have a marriage. 

Everything in between... there is a boy...he is a man, I want to say, there are men, most of them just won't commit, they say we mirror off how people treat us and I am wondering if I am mirroring off the "I don't need a committal guy" kind of vibe? I wonder...

My Mr. Good enough guy told me he wanted to play field, he was not looking to marry. He said he fancies me and yet his work was the measure he used to weigh his priority. Ouch! It hurts to write it in black and white but he was my safe choice in a man. A good man, just not my man...that hurt too...writing the truth of it somehow hurts than keeping it in my head.

Then there is this man who I have not yet met, I see in pictures but you know...what can a picture say really?  He came by and I don't know if I mirrored low effort but he gave off the vibes of "Let me just text and see if it goes a long way" Three weeks in and I am not sure if I am not mirroring the wrong energy. He just won't try and somehow, it burned my energy to try as well. The mental energy burnt in navigating the confusion in my head also exhausted me, what if he is "the one"? But "the one" would pursue you with his all. Should I compromise? But you are teaching him how to treat you from the beginning...low effort. How did other people get this part of life right? I am exhausted with the "He could be the one" monologue.

Ofcourse, I fear ending up alone but the fear of ending up in the wrong arms overwhelms my fear to end up alone. And everything in between finding the love of your life and vetting different men has often thrown me off balance! Most times, it has tempted me into focusing on building a lone maid's empire...but yet again, I still care what society will say and I hate myself for that. And I still want to have babies, the marriage...that is something I am still trying to make peace with, especially because a lot of men have turned marriage into a "prize" kind of thing.

I want to meet as partners, build as a team, be intense and real. Want the same goal and ran after it. Share power and build an empire, But I am alive to the power struggle in relationships and more aware of the laissez-faire vibe many people have for this life and for love and for everything in between....

I will end here...for my confusion with it all is a whole rant that can only be offered in peace meals...

I will wait for my answers....to everything in between...even to the unsaid.

Ends.

PS: If the shoes fits...wear it. 

ON SAFE SPACES IN HUMAN FORM: Episodes of Vulnerability

The pandemic will forever be cemented in our memories, for what it stole from but also for what it gave us. Everything about the pandemic came to shake our very existence.  In all the unexpected things, he was the most unexpected companion for two months. He was miles away but the miles created a safe space for me to touch base with the raw and unseen pieces of me. We often look for safe spaces, but this time, I found a safe human...certainly that was also because as an ambivert I thrive in my space as much as I thrive in crowds, and in the absence of one, he was my solace. I look back some days and I feel like I got years of therapy pumped into two months with one person on the other end of the call.

On dealing with past demons...

He had questions and I answered, he learnt a lot of things about me that I had not been able to look straight in the face for years, many nights I wondered why he was easy to talk to, he felt like a mirror you stand in front of and share the innermost and the unseen bits of life...it made me feel naked...vulnerable. I look back and sometimes,  I am embarrassed by how much he knows about me. I am working through my ability to be vulnerable but most importantly why it makes me feel naked and undone. Is the undone a good thing?, should people know that I am not as strong as they have me made out?

On dealing with present struggles...

We talked about the seemingly mundane work we do and its challenges, how my job was the dream job that also had its toxic financial troubles, how I loved the nurturing I was getting and how that dilemma has stopped me in my tracks to move on. He taught me how to build my  portfolio into the next job. We talked about his job, laughed about the things that make us keep showing up...

We talked about building investment portfolios, he is on that journey as much as I am. I told him I wanted to invest in a money market fund and he was impressed by my direction in investment. He acknowledged and on the other end of the phone, I smiled. His ambition very much fuelled my resolved to do better after the lockdown. 

We talked about siblings, the intricacies around marriage...the politics of weddings and numbers. He saw me through my first MC gig for a pandemic wedding. I wailed on the phone on the hard days and laughed into the dead of night on our seemingly good days. We shared lots of laughable moments!

COVID-19

At the start of the two months lockdown, he tested positive for COVID-19, I shared every little drug and remedy I had heard about that could cure the virus. He obliged except for a few. His recovery was our victory. We threatened to create our own line of drug options...of course we didn't but we were happy to have him in good health... I was happy...me and him.

On Mental Health...

At the start of the two months lockdown we really talked about the spotlight mental health was receiving, his relative had experienced one mental breakdown...a few weeks down the road, I was caught in burn out, anxiety and outright mental detonation and he was there...I don't know if it made sense to him but he was there, many times getting the banter of my many frustrations but willing to listen through them. Patient to call back when the storms had passed. 

On Faith

He invited me to a space for reading the bible, of course in that season I had my own favourite pastime as Sarah Jakes Roberts and TD Jakes...I shared every video that was released with him...I don't know if he watched but it was nice to share links with someone that "gets it"

I faithfully attended Bible reading and I enjoyed it, with the time on our hands it was an event worth waiting for. The word fascinated me...it still does!

And everything in between...

When I look back, I made it through those hard months because there was a person willing to allow me be me, to allow me have a good laugh and a good cry without holding it against me. A person who was willing to be vulnerable enough for me to be bare as well. 

Vulnerability still scares me...it will always bare the feels of nakedness and bone bare feels but for two uncertain months, it helped me feel understood and soul touched by another being. The end of the lockdown meant that the guard is back in full combat, the softness is absent...I can feel it, the mushiness of my heart has been replaced with a strong demeanour that I loathe so dearly but has kept me afloat many times as well. 

I don't know if it will take another lockdown or an act of God for me to unravel again for anyone in this lifetime...I am scared enough for what men can do with ammunition...I have seen it and I fear what man can do with vulnerability. But I hope that in this lifetime...I get to share that with other beings and create safe spaces around me in human form. As well as become a safe space for some people.

I am glad that in that season of my life...even though we were miles a part, he was there to see me through the seemingly long hours and he made them memorable. 

I am Thankful  for helping me go through the lockdown with a solid brush of raw friendship.

MR. MAN [On pomp, pride and self-importance]

The other day, Mr. Man was pompous in his ability to sway attention.

Mr. Man said…he is minding his business and any mention or forward of me was unwelcome!

You see, Mr. Man stands on shaky ground, with the inability to be “man” enough to be humble and yet own his ground.

Mr. Man disillusioned himself enough to think that the world resolves around him…in his desire for importance, Mr. Man was quick to throw around his money and his pomp! 

You see, Mr. Man was my friend but Mr. Man imagined that the world was rotating in motion around him. It was our fault, we let him inflate enough for him to float in air. 

So I am praying for Mr. Man to come back to ground. We are hoping that he will be able to dwell among normal people. 

But if he doesn't...I guess there was never redemption. [Selah]

Mr. man went MIA and had us tapping the dial to find him. He said the busy got him tied up. We are praying that the busy is not escapism.

Mr. man left his post unattended, we decided to learn to live without him. It is funny how you can learn to do without somethings...even people who used to be a norm.

Mr. Man will return someday, and we will have moved past his presence. I wonder if he will have cooled off his self importance... I wonder. But until then...

I hope you who is reading this will see yourself in the eyes of normal men and be able to live among others...well enough not to assume relevance beyond the norm.

I hope that pride might not blind you from how worldly crowns mean nothing.

PS. IN DEDICATION TO MR. MAN[Yemanyi]

DEAR NO ONE BY TORI KELLY [Of Life Theme Songs]

 

Music is a universal language. I have found myself  listening to Tori Kelly's Dear No one. Mostly because it speaks to the place I am in time, I am sold out to just sitting with being alone enough to have conversations with myself, do the work and get to know me without trying to find solace in someone, or something.

It is a classic vibe of breaking cracked foundations and building stronger ones. Tori's song speaks for rest, rest in knowing that in the moment all one can do is to be about the business that makes you thrive while you wait to partner with someone. 

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. This is a dedication to all single people, who have chosen to focus a little closer on who they are before the person. 

"Dear No One"

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do

I like being by myself
Don't gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to.

But sometimes I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old

Yeah, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you 'til the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin' for my future someone
'Cause when the time is right you'll be here,
But for now, dear No One,
This is your love song
Ooh, oh, oh

I don't really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeah

But I'd love to have a soul mate
And God'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait,
Oh

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin', I'm done lookin' for my future someone
'Cause when the time is right you'll be here,
But for now, dear No One
Dear Nobody
This is your love song
Ooh, ooh

Sometimes I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old

Yeah, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you 'til the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin', I'm done lookin' for my future someone
'Cause when the time is right you'll be here,
But for now, dear No One, dear Nobody
This is your love song
This is your love song

Dear No One, no need to be searchin', no
Dear No One.
Dear No One.
Dear No One, this is your love song

DEAR NO ONE

THE HEARTBREAK OF ALMOST(S)

Maybe it is just me but if it is happening in my world, it is probably happening in other worlds and in other lives. The presence of "almost"

The prolonged episodes of "almosts", almost made it, almost got the money, almost got the relationship, almost finished first. Don't get me wrong, I am aware of the blessings around and I am in the constant presence of thankfulness for the living present.

But these past few days have reminded me of the heartache that comes with almost having it and almost getting there in a lot of things in life. "It is such a cruel joke that the universe plays on us. One day, someone seems like a constant in your life. The next, they’re gone." 

I think we break our own hearts when we work far beyond the realities before us, but I also think hope is one ally that can drag us ahead of our realities. I am learning in my "almosts" not to count my chicks before they hatch,  I am learning the hard way but learning anyway. 

"And then, they remain a part of you—as a regret, a curiosity, a memory, remembered only as the name that pops up in laughter-brimming conversations with your old friends, or a song that you hear on the radio while you’re driving through the backroads in the October rain, or a familiar move of the boy who you could not have.. a reminder that sometimes, we just not have want we desire."

How to reconcile the gaps of questions you will never dare to ask, the affections you never got to share and the flood of what-ifs? that swam you from time to time. The universe will always play the game of the unknowns...the universe itself is the placement of unknowns. 

"Because how do you get closure from something that never burst open in the first place? How do you let go of something that was never in your grasp, someone who was never yours to hold? How could you? How could you move on? When it never ended because it never began." 

The “what if’s” imbue our minds. First, it’s complete and utter inundation, our almost love pervading our minds absolutely and destroying them heedlessly. And though its aftershock may seem subtle, it's always far more painful than the catastrophe, itself. You pick through every conversation you ever had, every lingering glance, every remark that was, in the slightest bit, ambiguous (and if it isn’t open to interpretation, you pry it open to search for meaning).

You wonder what you could have changed to get the ending you wanted. Maybe if the two of you were more emotionally available. Maybe if the two of you had met just a few months down the line. Maybe if you weren’t so afraid to ruin a good thing in order to chase a potentially great thing. Probably not, but who knows? That’s the thing—you don’t.

You don’t know.

That’s why almost relationships hurt more than the ones that tried and failed. Because even though the relationship wasn’t real, everything else was.

Because, despite everything, there will always be the knowledge in the back of our minds that, in some alternate universe, they wanted us back. Because we become addicted to the times in our lives when the person we (almost) loved gave us everything we ever wanted or even for a moment..they seemed to like what we wanted. Because there is still that faintest flicker of hope.

I am such a sucker for the unrequited love, the unfinished endings, the almost relationships. It’s foolish and irrational, but we can’t help it. It’s simply a part of being human. It means to wonder. To want. To aspire, and be utterly insatiable. It means to have hope. 

I hope that you learn to move from the pain of not starting, from the pain of feeling your heart burn out a starting fire...but most importantly, I pray that the stars will align someday and give you a chance to have your heart seen and chosen for a lifetime. For now...we heal.

Strengthening democracy is a civic burden for all

https://www.monitor.co.ug/uganda/oped/commentary/strengthening-democracy-is-a-civic-burden-for-all-3550584

 As we commemorate the International Day of Democracy, Ugandan democracy is 

under threat. Many Ugandans are willing to compromise on democratic principles for 

partisan goals. Some are even willing to resort to violence to help their side win. 

Extreme dislike for the other side has grown significantly in recent decades, and may 

also erode commitments to democratic principles. 

There are other issues rising in our society that are threatening the survival of democracy. 

The National Unity Party, which is the leading opposition party in parliament, recently refused to join the Inter-Party Organization for Dialogue (IPOD) on grounds of lack of equal partnership for the participating political parties, their narrative is that, there is a lack of autonomy of the institution with more stronghold coming from the ruling party. 

The onslaught of killings in the greater Masaka area that are marred in a blame game of political favoritism and patronage. The loss of two and half years in the education cycle for learners in Uganda, with nothing but a promise of an act of God in the future of schools opening from the Minister of Education. And above it all, the mis-management of the Covid-19 relief funds.

All these incidences speak to a struggling democracy. The anti-democratic attitudes, support for partisan violence, and extreme levels of partisan animosity have troubling consequences for democracy. Uganda is struggling with weak democracy, inadequate capacity in many state institutions and lack of respect for human rights.

Democracy is built on inclusion, equal treatment and participation is a fundamental building block for peace, sustainable development and human rights. 

True democracy is a two-way street, built on constant dialogue among all stake holders. Civic participation, civic space and social dialogue make up the very foundations of good governance and therefore, should be espoused. 

Democracy, good governance and accountability are development priorities clearly stipulated in Uganda’s National Development Plan. These concepts are also core values envisioned in the 1995 constitution and the decentralisation programme. 

Nevertheless, realising genuine democracy, good governance and accountability remain stifled by low levels of citizen participation, limited levels of awareness and appreciation of democratic principles by the leaders and citizens.

Meaningful democracy is built around the hallmarks of active citizen engagement, inclusion and equal treatment. 

Amidst the rising tide of threats to democracy, it is critical to continuously nurture an environment where citizens have the power to genuinely determine by whom, and how, they are governed. And upholding the truth that democracy flourishes when people feel represented and able to freely substantively participate in the political affairs of their society.

Therefore, as we pursue a collective future for the Uganda we want, through civic engagement and participation beyond elections, more Ugandans will understand the relationship between their participation and strengthening democracy.  Our collective efforts should be concerted towards a flourishing multi-party democracy anchored in respect to the tenets of good governance. And that is the mandate of every Uganda for such a time as we find ourselves.

Ms Tricia Gloria Nabaye is a resident research associate, Great Lakes Institute for Strategic Studies.

Vaccinate Uganda: The secret to our resilience to COVID-19

https://www.monitor.co.ug/uganda/oped/letters/vaccination-is-the-secret-to-our-resilience-3493684

If Uganda doesn’t vaccinate Ugandans, the pandemic will continue. According to the Minister for Health, Dr. Achieng Ruth, “we are not responding to the pandemic at the speed that we should”, wealthy countries are hoarding the vaccines and yet because of its global impact, COVID-19 ideally should be treated on a global response other than single-nation response. If countries do not start sharing the excess supply that is available, the pandemic will continue and will come with new variants.

COVAX an international consortium comprising of the World Health Organisation and UNICEF have a goal to distribute two billion vaccines by the end of 2021. The COVAX facility is an initiative that provides developing nations with access to vaccines. It is expected to cover only 10 percent of the population with essential workers of first priority. Therefore, developing countries have to find alternative sources for the vaccines in order to continue the drive to herd immunity.

In March 2021, 864,000 doses of COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Uganda. Amidst many challenges in Uganda, the task under the COVAX team was to vaccinate essential workers across Uganda. The doses were enough to vaccinate 425,000 people which is under one percent of the population. Uganda still needs millions of doses to hit the target of vaccinating the majority of its population and that is where our efforts as a country should be concerted for the next months to have herd immunity for the pandemic to be brought under control.

As a country, we need to rally our efforts around vaccination. While other nations are going back to live as normal, for us we are in our houses hiding from the virus. The world is certainly moving on and leaving us in a pandemic that was not our making and all of a sudden it feels like the HIV/AIDS era yet again. We can do something about it so that we can achieve at least 70 percent vaccination levels for life to go back to normal.

The pandemic is quickly becoming an African problem, not just at a national level but even globally. Africa is quickly being sunk into a corner where we will be fighting this pandemic in isolation, travel bans will remove us from the global connectivity and yet again stay at the mercy of countries whose medicine has advanced enough for them to produce more than enough vaccines for their citizens.

 With the allegation of Ugandans getting water instead of the actual vaccine, fears grow for our population as to when we will be able to get genuine vaccines so that we can leverage our immunity and health in the presence of the pandemic. We need to objectively look for solutions that will ensure that life can go on and Ugandans can go back to working and building the economy. Otherwise, we risk losing more Ugandans to the coronavirus and also crippling the economy with total business shutdowns while using lockdowns as the remedial measure other than mass vaccination.

 

Tricia Gloria Nabaye

Resident Research Associate: GREAT LAKES INSTITUTE FOR STRATEGIC STUDIES

On debt and Taxes: Over taxing is not a viable option to debt repayment and income generation.

 In June 2021, the International Monetary Fund(IMF) approved one billion US dollars approximately 3.5 trillion Uganda Shillings to Uganda. The money was approved to facilitate part of our 45 trillion national budget and also radically help Uganda invest in the fight towards Covid-19 and boost income in the medium term.

Among the reasons for approval, IMF noted that Uganda has committed herself to radically fight corruption among other vices. The approval was in the assumption that Uganda is on a constant growth trajectory and is on track to low middle-income status by 2033 or 2034.

Whether Uganda will commit to its mandate is a question of concern given the past record of misuse of funds, lack of accountability and the growing financial debt that is projected slightly over 50 percent of our GDP by the end of 2019-2020 financial year. With a debt nearing 50 trillion- there is a lot of our money channelled to debt repayment and serving from the national budget, approximately 10 trillion of our budget will go to serving debt.

While the majority of Ugandans languish from abject lack of basic essentials given the abruptness of the second lockdown, it is key for us as a nation to think towards providing economic relief and investment support to businesses and entities that are trying to stay afloat in the pandemic.

Amidst the high competition in our highly capitalistic nation and monetary state, it is imperative for the government to take on policies and strategies that work towards providing economic relief to cushion Ugandans from the shocks of the pandemic on their economic dexterity.

Middle income is an economic development initiative. Uganda needs to shift into a developmental state that is configured to run the economy, invest in people and can manage private and state enterprises and run them efficiently.

Rather than the state looking for avenues to tax Ugandans without investing, it could avail tax reliefs that will boost the economy but also create value for taxes through service delivery and restoration of institutional autonomy and functionality. We need to move away from the current revenue state and create a developmental state that intervenes purposefully in the economy to be able to move in the desired direction of middle-income status.

With the magnitude of debt, we have accumulated, it is likely that Uganda might default on debt repayment given the fragility of our economy and failure to frugally manage our finances. We are a country spending what we don't have! We cannot tax ourselves out of debt, taxing already constrained people won’t guarantee debt repayment if we do not address institutional failures in our governance system. Poverty reduction is not a matter of enhancing aid flows but a matter of the political will to create and demand, design, implement and sustain institutional arrangements which will deliver pro-poor growth and social provision.

The government needs to stop borrowing and find inward solutions to our income deficit. Lower taxes so production can be affordable. Invest in the creation and availability of markets for goods and services produced within the country. Encourage zoning and regional production of goods and services. create checks that can curb corruption, downsize on government offices by joining and grouping ministerial work that is duplicated, reduce on ministers and parliamentarians and stop the radical gerrymandering disguised in decentralisation.

The next few years for Uganda and the global south are going to be tasking in economic growth and development. If Uganda continues to borrow, our economy is going to be constrained and abject poverty will be the narrative for us, accompanied by chronic unemployment, inflation and excessive lack of basic needs for survival. Therefore, our efforts as a Nation should be concerted towards reducing corruption and pushing for a developmental state that can facilitate a new paradigm to our development agenda as a Country.

TRICIA GLORIA NABAYE

Resident Research Associate

Great Lakes Institute for Strategic Studies.

On Casper: The not so friendly ghost

 He asked me as a matter of fact;

“Onjagala?” The audacity! I was not shocked that he would ask, I was more worried that he would use it against me.

He insisted regrdless of the little things I did to distract him 

Why are you asking?” I retorted 

“Mbulira onjagala?” I nodded in the affirmative.

Of course I love him, but knowing where he stands with me is more important than where I stand with him. I am sure I love him but I am not sure of how he feels towards me.

I think of him every night and day…

He took my heart, and then took my pride away.

Well now he knows that I love him...now what?

PS: Someday, I won’t write short prose. But for now, it delivers the message.

Random thoughts... What if strong is what you do not want to be all the time?

 I have grown up hearing people call me strong. One will say, “ But Guulo you are a strong woman, you get through this or whatever “ And it is supposed to be a compliment and sometimes it has cemented assurance in myself. But what if strong is not what I want to be all the time?

I want to be ale to fall apart and be vulnerable. I want to cry and wail like a damsel in distress sometimes. I know it sounds weird but I need to touch brokenness in the presence of people I love so that I know what vulnerability feels without judgement and with reckless abandon.

I have to be strong, for a long time it has felt like the rule to living this life. But I feel like at the expense of finding my raw softness, I have chosen strong. I have built my thick skin and unwavering resolve to doing life regardless of the stroms waging. And people love strong but I need to touch the raw enotion that has been buried for so long.

What if strong is not all that counts? 

What if in our rawest selves we are most human? Yes the facade for strength keeps our very selves at bay.

I am not speaking of unpacking in our trauma and hurt and building “woe is me” fortes. I am speaking of being alive to empathy and all the other emotions that make us humane.

I want to cry without holding back. I want to laugh heartily without restraint. To be able to touch the depths of emotion with one agenda- To live in the moment. 

I want that. 

What if strong is not what I should be? What if?

Of little boys and endless pursuits

He wakes up after Mama and Papa have gone.

I am late but for reasons I had planned earlier 

He whispers good morning in his sleepy groggy voice. He is so cute when he wakes up.

I head out to the garden to pick some fresh leaves for my morning smoothie and right behind in big sandals that belong to his brothers is a little chubby guy moving with his little feet...swiftly saying nothing but following ever so intently.

I head to the kitchen and he gets himself a seat to watch me get busy. He waits patiently with no squeamish movement. He follows me around the kitchen in utter content of him just being there. 

I pour some green juice for him and he sips to check the body approval of the liquid.

“It’s yucky Gloria” I laugh knowing he is just about right on all fronts.

I head to the bedroom to get ready for work. He sits down on the floor to play with a belt. He is okay knowing I am near by. He is so cute just sitting there being Ay in his own little way. I ask him to sleep in my bed as I go to take a shower and ever so assuring he tells me, “Wake me up to say bye to you before you go” I whispered, “Okay, baby”

By the time I return, he is sound asleep and I am not sure I want to wake him up. So I shut the door quietly and head to work.

My heart is full. My love jar is overflowing. I can’t wait to get home from work already. 

IS NATIONAL UNITY POSSIBLE IN UGANDA?

https://www.monitor.co.ug/uganda/oped/commentary/is-national-unity-possible-in-uganda--3383080

In the past weeks, the Alliance for National Transformation (ANT), National Resistance Movement (NRM) and the National Unity Party (NUP) respectively held leaders’ forum meetings in preparation for the next parliament to plan strategies for service in the next August House. All this is happening amidst extreme regime brutality, arbitrary arrests, an increase in political prisoners and deaths with little accountability from the government and with overwhelming inadequacies in the justice system to administer justice.

The Ugandan political landscape is experiencing spasms of upheaval and conflict that usually presage a major political repositioning. This is occurring in a period when our economy is in recovery, taxation is at an all-time high, unemployment and social injustice are extremely increasing. We risk living through the tremors and darkness of the 1970s.   

In an era of grave polarization, national unity sounds like a far-fetched dream. While disagreement is the bloodline for democracy, today the divide seems untameable particularly because people are no longer considering facts in our politics.

Uganda is facing one of its gravest moments in the history of Museveni’s 35-year rule. Uganda’s democracy is crumbling, socio-economic justice is under interrogation and faith in institutions is at an all-time low. Partisan warfare has replaced evidence-based problem solving and lawlessness in the regime that is reinforcing political differences. 

 The Ugandan political system clearly is failing to address obvious problems, on numerous issues, we are failing even to have a civil conversation.  This is widening the partisan gulf, not just within government, but also in our broader society.  In our Republic, effective governance requires some level of cooperation and yet the answer for many voters to these deficiencies has been to support candidates who exemplify partisanship, confrontation, and political coarseness.  We are at risk of attempting to solve our problems by doubling down on their main cause.

As Ugandans, we need to foster diversity of opinion in order for us to come together and forge a way forward in our steps to build Uganda. We need to embrace how we can live with our deepest differences. We equally need to find ways for rationality to take a stand alongside passion and ambition in reaching public decisions. 

There needs to be a strong civic duty in pushing for collective unity, enshrined in the preamble of our constitution, that “We the people, recalling our history which has been characterised by political and constitutional instability; Recognising our struggles against the forces of tyranny, oppression and exploitation; Committed to building a better future by establishing a socio-economic and political order through a popular and durable national Constitution based on the principles of unity, peace, equality, democracy, freedom, social justice and progress”.— In this, the onus to take Uganda forward sits on our collective drive as a people willing to compromise and move forward.

Uganda thrives or fails in direct proportion to the extent we live in our collective call to protect, honour and uphold the constitution of the Republic. To achieve unity, we must understand the roots of our disunity, we have segregated ourselves into tribes and cocoons of political belonging and we have nurtured seeds of disunity, sectarianism and patronage. We are constantly entering into the deadly competition and zero-sum politics. Ugandans need a government that works regardless of where they lie on the spectrum, a government where institutions function to deliver what people need.

The fundamental place we can begin to build our national unity is to start seeing our focal and central point of concern as Uganda. We need to work towards a shared vision of the Uganda we want and score agency towards a reconciliation process. Democracy requires compromise, we need to have a national dialogue and mediation across the divide to ease the tensions that are choking the spaces of political engagement and governance.

We are at crossroads and we are caught between turning our political divide and disunity into a moment that will redeem our democracy or we risk turning into a fully-fledged radical autocracy with expanded disunity. We need to come to a unifying vision for our nation. Without a focused vision of working towards national unity, we are bound to lose our Country. 

BEYOND 2021 POLLS: PREPARING FOR A DISPUTED ELECTION

https://www.monitor.co.ug/uganda/oped/commentary/beyond-2021-polls-preparing-for-disputed-election-2732916

As Uganda winds up the two-day presidential nominations for the 2021 general elections, the realities of legitimacy and democracy continue to highlight the crippling electoral cycle of Uganda. The key concerns of the electorate continue to create doubt in the validity of the ballot. For the electorate, the question at the forefront is, “Can we trust that Uganda will have free and fair elections in 2021?” 

The complexity of this year’s electoral landscape—from pandemic-related social distancing and the unprecedented scientific campaigns likely means that some of the presidential campaign’s biggest drama will play out in the hours and days after election Day.

Elections in a democracy should be about free and fair elections with a possibility of change of leaders and one leader conceding to another. There’s a growing realization that the complexity of next year’s electoral landscape is being framed by the events that were witnessed in the presidential nominations violence and the outright human rights violations.

Learning from the discontent around the disputed elections of 2001, 2006, 2011 and 2016, and how the courts of law failed to deliver a satisfactory verdict with the provided evidence, it is clear that Uganda should be ready to face the realization that if the results of this election are disputed, it won’t be a legal battle that determines the outcome. It will be a contest of political will and power. Pleading with courts and ruling government officials to do the right thing is akin to continuing to believe that the tenements of civility and decorum in democracy still apply in Uganda, 35 years later.

The goal to uphold democracy is to create public guarantees―from elected officials, police and military―that will help to protect the integrity and results of the 2021 elections. Election protection is a non-partisan issue focused on upholding the constitution, and protecting widely-shared values of an accountable government and democratic freedoms.

The media, civil society and the electorate should be focused on protecting the integrity of the elections. With so much at stake, concerns of violence, voter intimidation, arbitrary arrests and the fragility of the voting process continue to front the need for civic consciousness. Democracies are fragile and democracy can fail and what people do or don’t do can determine the direction of Uganda for the next five years. Beyond voting, democracy depends on individuals and institutions that value the integrity of the process as much the final results. Therefore, the credibility of the electoral process will bank on a collective resolve to reduce the risk of political polarization among the electorate because the fundamental demands are deeper than partisan politics.

We need to rethink and reimagine our electoral cycle from the management of candidates to the handling of the disputes that arise from the elections. The nominations of candidates have greatly shaped the narrative for the coming campaign season and how the violence witnessed, presents a grim environment for the months ahead.

The Electoral Commission and security agencies can improve the perceptions of the credibility of the election by improving public confidence in the behaviour of their officials, in the handling of the nominated candidates and moderation of the rhetoric from the media. This can also reduce the risk of election-related violence, because as perceived fairness and credibility of the election increases, the potential for people to engage in violence and dismissal of the election results may decrease.

Against this back drop, the electorate need to prepare for a disputed election and the exigency that will follow such a reality. The possibility of protests, violence and insurgency all threaten the foundations of the democratic system because so much is founded on the general election.

In an unprecedented election season highlighted by the global pandemic, scientific campaigns and low voter education, the onus falls on all the stakeholders to protect the credibility of the elections. Public confidence in the electoral process is on the litmus paper in proving whether there is integrity of the ballot in providing Uganda with its next leadership.

Tricia Gloria Nabaye

Research Resident Associate: GREAT LAKES INSTITUTE FOR STRATEGIC STUDIES

THE ELECTIVE POLITICS OF GERRYMANDERING

https://www.monitor.co.ug/uganda/oped/commentary/the-elective-politics-of-gerrymandering-2458554

With the mandate vested in Article 63(1) of the constitution of Uganda, parliament approved 46 new constituencies comprised of 45 counties, Nakawa divided to make Nakawa west constituency and 10 district were given city status ahead of the 2021 general elections. This brings the number of constituencies to 353. The approval of the constituencies came after the Electoral commissions road map roll out for the 2021 general elections and before the youth and special groups elections.

Amidst contention from the opposition, the August house approved the creation of more constituencies. It should be highlighted that the process of creating new constituencies before the general elections has become characteristic of the political life of Uganda. In 2015, ahead of the 2016 general elections, Hon. Adolf Mwesigye, the then Minister of local government passed a motion for the creation of 39 counties which was ultimately approved and passed by parliament on the 20^th August 2015. With no accountability of service delivery and feasibility from the previous constituencies created, one wonders if it is plausible to have another 46 constituencies approved.

It begs the questions, are the new constituencies geared towards service delivery or are they a clear case of gerrymandering? Which if not stopped will continue to minimise the already struggling pillars of democratic processes in the election cycle of Uganda.

Gerrymandering fosters party power manipulations of the elections and the electorate and it should be stopped. Many Ugandans look at a constituency and district or city status as equal to a service provided. It is reasoned that with the over decentralisation comes ease of access to service delivery but the reverse is true, continued decentralisation makes service delivery hard and many resources are lost catering for administrative cost.

Additionally, given the recent economic shocks experienced during the COVID-19 outbreak that have left many people financially constrained, creation of new constituencies promises a burden on the tax payers in the long run. Consequently, one wonders if the creation of new constituencies is viable, if not to influence the 2021 general elections.

Gerrymandering promises party loyalists and sycophants a chance at representation and an increase in the numbers in parliament for the ruling party. The created constituencies will be a campaign point for many political aspirants in the ruling party and as such, even those who lost at the primaries will have a chance to run as independents in the coming elections.

The challenges gerrymandering poses lie in the legitimacy of the ballot. The majority of the electorate have been disenfranchised with the separation of constituencies and the creation of new polling grounds. This disempowers their votes; in other words, they are up against a stolen vote because their vote will be rendered useless in that case. The subdivision of the constituencies amounts to theft engaged in by the ruling party and this undermines the key principles of free and fair elections utmost the rule of democracy.

It is imperative to note, that the real politics of the land happens in the heat of the electoral cycle long before the ballot is cast because then the ruling party restructures its battle ground and creates a map that will foster more representatives in parliament than those of the opposition. As a result, single party control of redistribution of constituencies fosters partisan unfairness more than any other variable. It is a strong highpoint of rigging the system for one’s benefit.

The rationale of creating constituencies should have a standard format and it should have a systematic flow to it. It is imperative to note that in gerrymandering we falter the jurisdiction provided for the Electoral Commission to exercise its mandate to create constituencies.

Gerrymandering not only accentuates the ever growing political polarization among the political parties in Uganda but also creates a greater divided among the electorate in the communities. The electorate need to create a homogenous voice in regard to the needs and baseline requirements needed in their politicians. In the absence of the national consensus and a national agenda on what the citizenry desire from the restructuring of constituencies, politicians will continue to use gerrymandering as mechanism for divide and rule.

Redistricting should shift from the hands of the legislators into the hands of non-partisan commissions that can help restructure the constituencies, with a common goal of service delivery and resource mobilisation. Only then can the electorate have their say in how and when the redistricting can take place.

Conclusively, in our effort to preserve democracy and to have free and fair elections in Uganda, we need to be conscious of every attempt and ploy that is employed to disempower the electorate in their choice of leaders. For that reason, it is important to have any form of new legislation and policy order that directly affects the general elections happen at the beginning of a new electoral term rather than close to the general election.

 

TRICIA GLORIA NABAYE

RESIDENT RESEARCH ASSOCIATE: GREAT LAKES INSTITUTE FOR STRATEGIC STUDIES

 

Of redemptive love

 

There you were...

Not even trying to shine but shining you did

There you were...

Immaculate in every way 

Upbeat to make the world a better place even if it was for one more person...

There you were... 

Making me come alive to the redemption that lay in your heart...

Your calm undertones of speech made me feel safe...

I was seen in ways I had forgotten how

Your laid back self made my impatient self learn to love the Selah...

For I was sure that you were here to redeem this heart...

And there ever so subtle...libra in every way 

You strung a new charm into my heart...

In your being was a future I was willing to pursue 

Your hand...I was willing to hold for a lifetime 

And then some...

You... redeem me

Of raw emotion

To the men that made me tussle with my heart

 

To you who I love with every being in me

You who love bombed me enough for me to stay over the years

To you who bread crumbed me into a place my heart would not take any more

To you for whom, I prayed for more than I prayed for myself

For you who was the holder of my firsts

For you… for whom staying in faith of your love showing up, would be a betrayal of myself.

Yet I kept coming back to you…Until the pain of loving you would be the cause of my insanity.

 

To you who gave me feels of Lolita

To you who in the bosom of your embrace I questioned my morals

You who gave me joy and emptiness in every experiences

You who taught me that absence can certainly mean letting go

You who in having you, taught me how to choose myself

 

To the one who dropped my heart with no sense of fragility

To the one who for a very long while let my faith run wild

To the one who never thought of the pieces left to be picked

 

Yet I do not hate you for it

My love takes no prisoners

I am still here picking up the pieces and polishing my heart.

I am here rebuilding the little corners within that carry  darkness…

A darkness you left.

I am pained and yet my healing is in forgiving you

In letting you go…I will find my freedom to love yet again.