Maybe it is just me but if it is happening in my world, it is probably happening in other worlds and in other lives. The presence of "almost"
The prolonged episodes of "almosts", almost made it, almost got the money, almost got the relationship, almost finished first. Don't get me wrong, I am aware of the blessings around and I am in the constant presence of thankfulness for the living present.
But these past few days have reminded me of the heartache that comes with almost having it and almost getting there in a lot of things in life. "It is such a cruel joke that the universe plays on us. One day, someone seems like a constant in your life. The next, they’re gone."
I think we break our own hearts when we work far beyond the realities before us, but I also think hope is one ally that can drag us ahead of our realities. I am learning in my "almosts" not to count my chicks before they hatch, I am learning the hard way but learning anyway.
"And then, they remain a part of you—as a regret, a curiosity, a memory, remembered only as the name that pops up in laughter-brimming conversations with your old friends, or a song that you hear on the radio while you’re driving through the backroads in the October rain, or a familiar move of the boy who you could not have.. a reminder that sometimes, we just not have want we desire."
How to reconcile the gaps of questions you will never dare to ask, the affections you never got to share and the flood of what-ifs? that swam you from time to time. The universe will always play the game of the unknowns...the universe itself is the placement of unknowns.
"Because how do you get closure from something that never burst open in the first place? How do you let go of something that was never in your grasp, someone who was never yours to hold? How could you? How could you move on? When it never ended because it never began."
The “what if’s” imbue our minds. First, it’s complete and utter inundation, our almost love pervading our minds absolutely and destroying them heedlessly. And though its aftershock may seem subtle, it's always far more painful than the catastrophe, itself. You pick through every conversation you ever had, every lingering glance, every remark that was, in the slightest bit, ambiguous (and if it isn’t open to interpretation, you pry it open to search for meaning).
You wonder what you could have changed to get the ending you wanted. Maybe if the two of you were more emotionally available. Maybe if the two of you had met just a few months down the line. Maybe if you weren’t so afraid to ruin a good thing in order to chase a potentially great thing. Probably not, but who knows? That’s the thing—you don’t.
You don’t know.
That’s why almost relationships hurt more than the ones that tried and failed. Because even though the relationship wasn’t real, everything else was.
Because, despite everything, there will always be the knowledge in the back of our minds that, in some alternate universe, they wanted us back. Because we become addicted to the times in our lives when the person we (almost) loved gave us everything we ever wanted or even for a moment..they seemed to like what we wanted. Because there is still that faintest flicker of hope.
I am such a sucker for the unrequited love, the unfinished endings, the almost relationships. It’s foolish and irrational, but we can’t help it. It’s simply a part of being human. It means to wonder. To want. To aspire, and be utterly insatiable. It means to have hope.
I hope that you learn to move from the pain of not starting, from the pain of feeling your heart burn out a starting fire...but most importantly, I pray that the stars will align someday and give you a chance to have your heart seen and chosen for a lifetime. For now...we heal.
