WHAT BREAKS A HEART?

I don’t know if I have made a habit of penning my heart, but I find that I wear my heart on a sleeve. I am every bit my mother’s child.

Today was a beautiful day, it rained and it made me happy. But today also made me sad, extremely sad. Not for anything beyond the heart. What breaks a heart? I will tell you.

I have had my heart broken at the aspect of losing time, time to find a consistent and steady love. I have had my heart break at the sound of music that reminds me of bonds forged with time. I have had my heart break at the idea of almost, of beautiful stories that could have been made. 

Words fail me but I am speaking of what breaks my fragile heart so easily. I think I break my own heart from time to time. If not most of the time, If Benjamin Zulu was in Uganda, he would call me out of self-sabotage and my people pleasing ways.  But he doesn’t have to come by, I know so. And I am working on myself to either learn how to deal with my flaws or accept them. In every way, something gotta give!

I am scared to end up alone but I am more afraid of ending up in the wrong arms. And this fear has exposed me to all kinds of men, I am at the end of vetting a good man, but a man in a different season of life than I am. And that broke my heart… in many ways, I broke my own heart but also saved it. An oxymoron!

Maybe I will get it right someday not today. Or maybe I might never get it right. But I am sure of the fact that, if it causes me confusion, second guessing and unease—it probably is going to cost me a lot. 

This breaks my heart, but a good man in a wrong season is still the wrong man. Yikes! Tonight I write, tomorrow…I will wake up to raise hope yet again. I will live through a new day, breathe...excel and yet again, look beyond the horizon and dream another dream. 

It was almost everything, but I also know it was covered in extreme hints from me, dipped in extreme need to get it right and if I have mastered anything, I have mastered  breaking at almosts, a cycle that most probably won't end, if I keep believing in people's potential. 

I could write on...but I need a cup of hot chocolate and it is past midnight.

ON EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

 No one ever prepares you for life and everything in between. Somehow we show up and start to figure things out and make them work, and then those that make it in some aspects make it a rule that the way they found can be the way for all of us. 

Everything in between.... but most importantly; the search for our soul mates and the need to be loved. 

I have not been very successful at many things but nothing has perplexed me more than the fact that I have not mastered love. It is more on the end of finding my person...how is it that I have not figured out who my person is! It does baffles me...a lot. 

Also what perplexes me as well, is the fact that we spend so much time trying to figure that out from one human to the next, from those that are just pacing the world, to those that could have been something, to amazing people that for some reason won't just dive into the "ever after" narrative and we end up in a cycle of wrong guy -right time and right guy-wrong guy scenarios. Isn't it exhausting ya'll?

Everything in between now and a future that I know nothing about is a bit worrisome for me but nothing catches me off guard as not knowing my heart's final home. How is it that I am not getting it, am I being too prideful to imagine that I should get it...the love bit life. 

Of course there times, I am oscillating between being the girl that has figured her stuff out into the girl with everything except one thing. On other days, I am swaying between "I need a person in my life" to "I don't think I can do the lifetime thing!" It is the mental and emotional gymnastics that has left me beaten and exhausted on what love really is. I know for a fact...it is everything in between.

I held a baby today, of course it fretted a bit but later settled down and cooed away in my arms. I have always found babies magical. It also peed on me: my little cousin said it is a blessing, I smiled at that thought but more because of the fact that I want a baby. But I come from a church community of religious radicals...I serve in church and all over a sudden I can't believe that I am failing to live this life because I am scared of the judgement of people...mortal men, whose approval shifts by their emotional whims. I am very disappointed with myself for caring about what society will say simply because I want a child before I have a marriage. 

Everything in between... there is a boy...he is a man, I want to say, there are men, most of them just won't commit, they say we mirror off how people treat us and I am wondering if I am mirroring off the "I don't need a committal guy" kind of vibe? I wonder...

My Mr. Good enough guy told me he wanted to play field, he was not looking to marry. He said he fancies me and yet his work was the measure he used to weigh his priority. Ouch! It hurts to write it in black and white but he was my safe choice in a man. A good man, just not my man...that hurt too...writing the truth of it somehow hurts than keeping it in my head.

Then there is this man who I have not yet met, I see in pictures but you know...what can a picture say really?  He came by and I don't know if I mirrored low effort but he gave off the vibes of "Let me just text and see if it goes a long way" Three weeks in and I am not sure if I am not mirroring the wrong energy. He just won't try and somehow, it burned my energy to try as well. The mental energy burnt in navigating the confusion in my head also exhausted me, what if he is "the one"? But "the one" would pursue you with his all. Should I compromise? But you are teaching him how to treat you from the beginning...low effort. How did other people get this part of life right? I am exhausted with the "He could be the one" monologue.

Ofcourse, I fear ending up alone but the fear of ending up in the wrong arms overwhelms my fear to end up alone. And everything in between finding the love of your life and vetting different men has often thrown me off balance! Most times, it has tempted me into focusing on building a lone maid's empire...but yet again, I still care what society will say and I hate myself for that. And I still want to have babies, the marriage...that is something I am still trying to make peace with, especially because a lot of men have turned marriage into a "prize" kind of thing.

I want to meet as partners, build as a team, be intense and real. Want the same goal and ran after it. Share power and build an empire, But I am alive to the power struggle in relationships and more aware of the laissez-faire vibe many people have for this life and for love and for everything in between....

I will end here...for my confusion with it all is a whole rant that can only be offered in peace meals...

I will wait for my answers....to everything in between...even to the unsaid.

Ends.

PS: If the shoes fits...wear it. 

ON SAFE SPACES IN HUMAN FORM: Episodes of Vulnerability

The pandemic will forever be cemented in our memories, for what it stole from but also for what it gave us. Everything about the pandemic came to shake our very existence.  In all the unexpected things, he was the most unexpected companion for two months. He was miles away but the miles created a safe space for me to touch base with the raw and unseen pieces of me. We often look for safe spaces, but this time, I found a safe human...certainly that was also because as an ambivert I thrive in my space as much as I thrive in crowds, and in the absence of one, he was my solace. I look back some days and I feel like I got years of therapy pumped into two months with one person on the other end of the call.

On dealing with past demons...

He had questions and I answered, he learnt a lot of things about me that I had not been able to look straight in the face for years, many nights I wondered why he was easy to talk to, he felt like a mirror you stand in front of and share the innermost and the unseen bits of life...it made me feel naked...vulnerable. I look back and sometimes,  I am embarrassed by how much he knows about me. I am working through my ability to be vulnerable but most importantly why it makes me feel naked and undone. Is the undone a good thing?, should people know that I am not as strong as they have me made out?

On dealing with present struggles...

We talked about the seemingly mundane work we do and its challenges, how my job was the dream job that also had its toxic financial troubles, how I loved the nurturing I was getting and how that dilemma has stopped me in my tracks to move on. He taught me how to build my  portfolio into the next job. We talked about his job, laughed about the things that make us keep showing up...

We talked about building investment portfolios, he is on that journey as much as I am. I told him I wanted to invest in a money market fund and he was impressed by my direction in investment. He acknowledged and on the other end of the phone, I smiled. His ambition very much fuelled my resolved to do better after the lockdown. 

We talked about siblings, the intricacies around marriage...the politics of weddings and numbers. He saw me through my first MC gig for a pandemic wedding. I wailed on the phone on the hard days and laughed into the dead of night on our seemingly good days. We shared lots of laughable moments!

COVID-19

At the start of the two months lockdown, he tested positive for COVID-19, I shared every little drug and remedy I had heard about that could cure the virus. He obliged except for a few. His recovery was our victory. We threatened to create our own line of drug options...of course we didn't but we were happy to have him in good health... I was happy...me and him.

On Mental Health...

At the start of the two months lockdown we really talked about the spotlight mental health was receiving, his relative had experienced one mental breakdown...a few weeks down the road, I was caught in burn out, anxiety and outright mental detonation and he was there...I don't know if it made sense to him but he was there, many times getting the banter of my many frustrations but willing to listen through them. Patient to call back when the storms had passed. 

On Faith

He invited me to a space for reading the bible, of course in that season I had my own favourite pastime as Sarah Jakes Roberts and TD Jakes...I shared every video that was released with him...I don't know if he watched but it was nice to share links with someone that "gets it"

I faithfully attended Bible reading and I enjoyed it, with the time on our hands it was an event worth waiting for. The word fascinated me...it still does!

And everything in between...

When I look back, I made it through those hard months because there was a person willing to allow me be me, to allow me have a good laugh and a good cry without holding it against me. A person who was willing to be vulnerable enough for me to be bare as well. 

Vulnerability still scares me...it will always bare the feels of nakedness and bone bare feels but for two uncertain months, it helped me feel understood and soul touched by another being. The end of the lockdown meant that the guard is back in full combat, the softness is absent...I can feel it, the mushiness of my heart has been replaced with a strong demeanour that I loathe so dearly but has kept me afloat many times as well. 

I don't know if it will take another lockdown or an act of God for me to unravel again for anyone in this lifetime...I am scared enough for what men can do with ammunition...I have seen it and I fear what man can do with vulnerability. But I hope that in this lifetime...I get to share that with other beings and create safe spaces around me in human form. As well as become a safe space for some people.

I am glad that in that season of my life...even though we were miles a part, he was there to see me through the seemingly long hours and he made them memorable. 

I am Thankful  for helping me go through the lockdown with a solid brush of raw friendship.

MR. MAN [On pomp, pride and self-importance]

The other day, Mr. Man was pompous in his ability to sway attention.

Mr. Man said…he is minding his business and any mention or forward of me was unwelcome!

You see, Mr. Man stands on shaky ground, with the inability to be “man” enough to be humble and yet own his ground.

Mr. Man disillusioned himself enough to think that the world resolves around him…in his desire for importance, Mr. Man was quick to throw around his money and his pomp! 

You see, Mr. Man was my friend but Mr. Man imagined that the world was rotating in motion around him. It was our fault, we let him inflate enough for him to float in air. 

So I am praying for Mr. Man to come back to ground. We are hoping that he will be able to dwell among normal people. 

But if he doesn't...I guess there was never redemption. [Selah]

Mr. man went MIA and had us tapping the dial to find him. He said the busy got him tied up. We are praying that the busy is not escapism.

Mr. man left his post unattended, we decided to learn to live without him. It is funny how you can learn to do without somethings...even people who used to be a norm.

Mr. Man will return someday, and we will have moved past his presence. I wonder if he will have cooled off his self importance... I wonder. But until then...

I hope you who is reading this will see yourself in the eyes of normal men and be able to live among others...well enough not to assume relevance beyond the norm.

I hope that pride might not blind you from how worldly crowns mean nothing.

PS. IN DEDICATION TO MR. MAN[Yemanyi]