PROSCRIBED LOVE

I’d like to think that Love is a choice, many claim it is but Love is more free will than we would like to think. You love who you love.

Looking back, the actions of my heart have left me questioning my moral valve, my integrity and most of all myself. “Is it possible that of all beings your heart would choose a married man?” I asked myself on one of those long “look in the mirror “ moments. 

To which I have found no answer. I am not sure it is anything to do with my morals but more to do with my heart.

The heart wants what it wants. The heart wants to have it all, Is it selfish? Maybe. Do I act on what I feel? Maybe, Maybe not. 

You see, he is going to call and I am going to shiver through my being. He is going to say my name, in ways I have never heard my name spoken. Whoever thought a three letter name would sound so angelic!

And so the warm feeling of his being grabs me by accident, I never did choose him, in my mental faculty, he was never to be desired. So how did we end up here? Him, so married. Me, not sure if I am yet a fully blown “Poisonous Ivy”

So, here I am looking beyond this heart, caught up in the chaos of teaching this heart to stay off taken souls. “He’s taken”, I say. And in that moment I break my own heart and mend it back again. 

So when I stare at the mirror tonight, I will speak life to the heart...to beat only after that which is attainable. To lift my song into the arms of a free soul. “But isn’t that choosing?” You say.

What is choice if you cannot get the desire of your heart? 

25

If anyone had told me that at 25 I will be dealing with unearthing the shape of my true self, I would have told them how crazy they are.

But here we are, shaping into the core of what will be me for a very long time, embracing the truth of who I choose to be and who I want to be. Shaping the narrative of what will be said of me. Here I am.

Learning that not everyone is as good as their word. Struggling to live with that truth.
Learning that I am strong and yet vulnerable and that is where the balance of life is.
Healing the brokenness with in me, embracing the imperfections in me. Crying, healing and resurrecting from the pains of being.

And doing life.

The hard bits of 25 have brought me back to the person in the mirror. Embracing me yet again. Soaking in the truth that, there will never be a more important person than the image in the mirror, me.
And yet choosing the way of love, to share of myself to those that need me. Selflessly, embracing uncertainty, choosing light and soaking in hope.

The hard days of 25 have taught me patience, grace and Selah(to pause and ponder). There are more selah moments now than ever. Times when wisdom beckons, times when deeper truths come forth and stubbornly sit at the center of my heart.

And then, there I am at 25, in the rawest form of being. Me being real, embracing a world that is capable of loving me and hurting and yet...I show up everyday with a smile from the wells of my heart.

25

TO THE ONE THAT HOLDS THE TORCH

To him that carries the torch;

We see you,

We hear  you.

In the midst of this busy life,

We hinge our journey on your truth,

Because we listen.

We listen and take to heart,

We see you in the eyes of change,

We see you in the hope of a Nation,

We see you, for you are the one we have been waiting for.

And we walk towards the light that you emit

We walk to get a shimmer of your tenacity

That we might get a chance to change this city.

And see the winds of change sweep the men out of their day slumber...

A man I know had a dream... 

In oblivion we gazed but yet the reality of it now lives with us.

So in your hope, we sit and believe for better,

In your zeal we pen our passions,

In your tenacity we have mastered a stubborn persistence.

You hold the torch to the journey ahead.

Stepping in every footprint you leave behind, we trek on.

May your light never lack the oil that fuels the fire to dream for such a Nation.

For your dreams awaken the hope in our contention.

Let there be light...always.

BROKEN

And there I sat,

Leg lurched and my heart un bound.

Silently wailing...

Not one more

Not one more

They never did teach us what mastering love looks like.

They never did teach us what breaking felt like.

They put us here only but to learn on the journey.

And there I was torn yet again...

And this one left a sting  and muscle.

There I was building a strong wall,

A wall to cut off the drama of understanding a human soul.

Not one more

Not again

Not another heart break

This one i will live through 

But this heart is done feeling

This heart is done reaching out

This heart is fast bound

Not one more human

Not one more undress

Not one more embrace

Not one more

As the last one walked away

I knew a sure thing

I was done dating sons of men

For they have thicker skin than I do

I might not know what this heart will survive on

But the love of men is broken

Deceitful 

Washed out

Scarred

So I pick this fragile heart

I pick this crushed soul

I pick this little hurt girl

And take her in my arms

And love her 

For in the reality of life

I only have me

THE NEVENDER LOUNGE: In honor of Joel B Ntwatwa(2018) R.I.P

Letter to Nev

The other night, we celebrated you. We listened to your poetry and we sat in the glory of its sacredness. I remembered you from that calm stance you always had, scarf around your neck and never the impulsive one.

I wear a band with one thing we seem to hold on to; Now more than ever, “Hope never runs dry” Yes, Joel...My hope is running deep into the joys of what you have birthed. Something is growing, slow but sure. I see the ray of hope built in what you left behind.

You still whisper loudly, you still speak words even in the farthest of galaxies.

Nev; We remembered how you much you made us all feel special. Today, I thought I knew you better but we realized in the fall of the night; that you loved us selflessly. Thank you for being our only personal person.

In your hope, we write of seasons passing, seasons ending. And we write more in honor of not letting you go. So we stay in this hope, In this moment, to live through life as our torch of light...carrying us on through this uncertain journey.

Beyond the furthest of this hope is us seated in joy for the lives changing and the lives changed in the conversations, interactions and confidence you left with in us.

We still burn with hope, in all we do...we know, you would get it. Even in these words. I feel you close by. Smiling and choosing not to say a thing until my bubbly self cools off. 

Rest easy Joel... Enjoy Christ (That is the hope that lasts even after.)

P.S; The Nevender Legacy continues to light a path in the journey and works of Joel Benjamin Ntwatwa. You can be apart of this effort by donating to the work they are doing in honor of Nev.

Letter to Nev

The other night, we celebrated you. We listened to your poetry and we sat in the glory of its sacredness. I remembered you from that calm stance you always had, scarf around your neck and never the impulsive one.

I wear a band with one thing we seem to hold on to; Now more than ever, “Hope never runs dry” Yes, Joel...My hope is running deep into the joys of what you have birthed. Something is growing, slow but sure. I see the ray of hope built in what you left behind.

You still whisper loudly, you still speak words even in the farthest of galaxies.

Nev; We remembered how you much you made us all feel special. Today, I thought I knew you better but we realized in the fall of the night; that you loved us selflessly. Thank you for being our only personal person.

In your hope, we write of seasons passing, seasons ending. And we write more in honor of not letting you go. So we stay in this hope, In this moment, to live through life as our torch of light...carrying us on through this uncertain journey.

Beyond the furthest of this hope is us seated in joy for the lives changing and the lives changed in the conversations, interactions and confidence you left with in us.

We still burn with hope, in all we do...we know, you would get it. Even in these words. I feel you close by. Smiling and choosing not to say a thing until my bubbly self cools off. 

Rest easy Joel... Enjoy Christ (That is the hope that lasts even after.)

P.S; The Nevender Legacy continues to light a path in the journey and works of Joel Benjamin Ntwatwa. You can be apart of this effort by donating to the work they are doing in honor of Nev.