OF DANCING FAIRIES AND HOPE

 

It was in the depth of the rhythm

the laughter that echoes

the joy that beamed forth

the cymbals, the bells...the cringing bird bells

it was magical and yes, fairy like

it kept me waiting for dusk

it kept me hoping for rain

Rain pouring, sun beaming, birds singing

And I was sure that the miracle of the day lay in the hope.

I heard them sing, I saw them dance

I found the little giggles powerful to the heart and Yes! I sang along

I danced along, I swayed my hips to the rhythm of the drum

I let my body be rocked in delight if only to drink of the miracle of hope.

I grinned with hope and danced with contentment

and for the lasting beat of my heart I knew that life was a miracle.

it does not stop tonight

it will play on days on end

it will awaken the fairy tale in living

it will remind me of the times of joy that come by once in a while

yet they carry with them the hope for the hope that washes over the day as the sun rises.

Tonight I dance in wait...tomorrow, tomorrow I dance for the arrival of hope.

ME, THE PLANK EYED SAINT

I love God, I love his ways.God forgives,forgets and does not keep a record of wrongs. God is love, love is God! It recently hit me that in the face of the mirror of God's word  I was in the wrong place.
I criticized,judged and never forgot,forgave unconditionally and oh how I kept a record of wrongs.
 I was finding my own log. I was pointing a finger, yet I was sinning.I was there losing my head over the sins of another yet I was sinning all the more.

So I was stuck with my loud mouth and my killing words.I was in need of help for my very self, I was being brought back to the face of my own failings. Could my lips bless and yet again curse? Or was I placing the gospel grace in a compromising situation. There I was forgetting my place in Christ, a child of God, Yes but also a sinner saved by grace.Was my sin smaller or bigger? No but it was equal.

Then the Lord, reminded me of the woman caught in adultery, It was in the casting the first stone that we played God to others. We cut down people in God's name even when we know that the sword is not our to slay. So there I was a plank eyed saint with a log in my own eyes yet seeing the speck in other people's eyes. I was caught with a mouth to wash, a heart to restore and God to lean on.

I needed to revisit the fact that beautiful eyes see the good in others. In nature as a man made of dust, I need  God's mercy and his help in making me more than the fault finder.

OF LONE COLD DAYS AND HEARTACHES

You start to realize a pattern of restless sleep time and then you notice that the horrors are back on, It is yet another season of bouts of depression and sullen moments. You are lonely and for yet another season, you just hope someone will hold you and tell you they love you. Yes, the season has yet again arrived when you are lonely and depressed and what to do about is the question to ask?

Unless, you are beyond perfection, we have all had times of despair, loneliness and traces of depression. And it is in these moments that you realize that there is a void within us that desires something intangible, maybe it is the need to be understood or the need to be loved. And dear christian, you will as well feel alone even with Christ as your most satisfying friend. There will be times when even surrounded by people who love you, you feel all alone and the weight in your heart leaves you numb to the situations around you, because nothing makes sense.

I have had my moments of lonesome detachment, I have died within for some one to hold me and rock me back to the choleric that I am, I am not the life of the party but I am pretty much sure of the smiles I create when I am in my very own crowd. So what does one do, when the bouts of depression rob you of your regular self. I thought of what I would do between the moments of uncertainty, cloudy mornings and in the lone cold days full of heartaches and rain, God I hate the rainy days.

So here is what I would do;

1.Cry; I would cry all I want, somehow after a long while of being strong and holding it together.Breaking down is a justification for all the things that I go through.

2. I call my best friend; I love my best friend, she says little but important things that remind me that I have an army that counts on me.

3. I then, black out (I don't know why it always works) I just go black on everything. I make less calls, less social media show ups and in the moments of just me, I find comfort.

4. I try routine (on a normal day, I hate routine) but I fall into routine,maybe because, in the while I can't carry on any new tasks.

5. I read, yes read lots of book, on hope, God, love, development name it, I just read.

6. I cry some more and then I read through my old journals (Journaling is definitely therapeutic) 

7. I then find out why I am depressed, half the time my heart is just tired of many things.Of waiting on God, of being strong, waiting on love, of heartbreaks,of rejection e.t.c

8.Then I wake up one morning and it is not as bad as it was before. And going on is not as hard as it first presented itself. And the old me is back and full of herself.

P.S: Sleep intervals is by far the most evident way to realize that something is not right in your system, you don't totally lose sleep but you have lots of wake pauses during the nights. I do not know what is going in the system but it is worth knowing.

IN THE WHILE

There you are;

standing in the middle of life

where you cannot tell between "forever" and "meanwhile"

There you are trying yet again to make things work.

It feels paused

it looks "un glossy" from where you stand.

You have been dreading the truth that stares right back at you,

that the tomorrow you dreamed to be alright is more or less the today you live.

It is just another day you say

another day to live through this misery

it is just another moment to hope that forever is not a lie

and lo! you stand in the middle of the chaos that life has become

You have been taught to fight on... kindly do so;

You have been told that endurance gets you there... it definitely will.

Amidst the turmoil of nothingness and quiet moments of trust

you have got to believe that the best is yet to come.

Not now but soon,

how soon? I do not know,

but you are in safe hands...in the hands of the maker;

and you are in the presence of greatness

Now still yourself to the future that will manifest

and someday, not today but someday, you will be glad,

Glad that you kept going...

WHERE FEET MAY FAIL (Trusting God)

 I have been meditating  on Hill song's "Where Feet May Fail" and I was more in thought of how many times my feet fail me and in whose hands do I anchor my life and it reminded me of the place God desires us to be.In his presence fixing our eyes on Him the perfecter and finisher of our salvation.
Between faith and trust, is Christ. You fix your eyes on Christ and the assurance that He's got your back keeps you taking on the unknown. 
I took time to think about the life of Peter, Peter who knew that the waters would sink a being, Peter who knew that the waters had claimed many lives in the past, yet this trusting disciple chose to step out in faith and trust.

" 28Peter said to Him, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." 29And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" MATHEW 14:28-30"

As long as Peter's eyes where on the Lord, the one He trusted to keep him afloat, Peter walked on. His faith and trust in God kept him afloat. So I started to think of the waves and the storms that take our focus off the Lord.The Lord requires that we keep our eyes fixed on him and our feet will take on anything in the unknown.
We will conquer the oceans in our lives, we only have to fix our eyes on the Lord.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters,Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide,Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

 This then is our confidence, that the Lord has availed his grace and mercy to uphold us. He leads our footsteps into the unknown, ours is to trust Him and trust in his will, Ours is to fix our eyes on the Lord. Our prayer then is that the spirit of the living Lord will lead us beyond our greatest comforts, that we will choose to allow the spirit to lead us "where our trust is without borders" And to go where He calls us. Can we have the ability to trust that God has the biggest and the best plans for our lives.

The Lord desires to take us to the deepest of experiences, Peter chose to go past the ordinary into the supernatural but that took faith and trust in the Jesus.It took a constant focus on the Lord of the waters. The Lord can stretch us into the unknown but the Lord requires that we trust him, that our souls will rest in Him, that he can be Lord and Master of our Lives. Such trust he requires of us...that we will trust Him, in the waves and storms, that we will keep our eyes above the waves and onto Him.

Will you let the Lord lead you, where your feet may fail you?

THEN I WAS 23(ODD!!)

How did time go by and just like that, it is no longer 1993? Today I turned 23,an odd 23! I still dream of forever,I wear makeup...most of the time.I still wear high heels and hold on to my high standards(I've got some). I am still figuring out what life is,it seems to change as I grow. I love my sister to the moon and beyond. Then my best friend, the rest...enough not to get chocked.

I think now more than ever of settling down.(It hit me well that I have two years to yet another odd number) I have grown exceptionally from the little lass I was last April. I got over dragging crushes,lost pretentious friends,made new ones,committed to growing in Christ deeper,started to leave alone. I definitely had a roller coaster of a year! I had some constants as well,I still struggle with the "eat once starve once syndrome" My account balance,is way shabby. I am still learning skills of saving and more saving. I am still working on my loudness (gentleness is hard much more quiet speech!) But I have also concluded that if I don't do it at 23,then probably this is me. I still hate washing(hallelujah to the washing machine.) I still don't own one as yet but definitely should work towards one. And yes, am still single(and intending)

 

23 is odd,you are in the middle of nothing.Just another 20s where you hope to earn more in life. This year,I hope to do a Diploma in Law,start some serious investing in people and other ventures.I hope to grow my finances and stop my weird syndrome. At 23 I hope to write better and write more poetry(the lines still speak much),I hope to make more friends and be intentional at keeping them. The other things...will definitely evolve as the year goes on. 

Many things definitely changed. I have some solid likes, Like a good perfume,(many bottles count the more) ice cream, cake(that's a charmer) I love how in the middle of all my little not so busy life I create moments of laughter with my family, I love the way they love me. I have become an auntie, most of my friends are married women and dang I love my life one more year yet again.

Today am a stinking fabulous 23,one more year old.

 Hurt,loved,spoiled,smothered,flustered but most of all grown. And that is just about the coolest gift...to grow...bolder before life.