The first time I noticed how busy I kept was when my dear cousin Catherine noticed it. I was angry that night and because I couldn't reconcile it with my need to control...I went into a busy frenzy.
That night I re-organised my bedroom, cleaned up and folded all the clothes until I was exhausted and by that time, it was 5:00 am in the morning. But that was an exception in time. Eventually I noticed that in keeping busy, I was able to avoid the hard thoughts and maybe pending depression. The busy was a distraction from anything that needed to be addressed. As I look back it was a way of staying numb. Numb to the pain, heartache and to any emotional outburst that could have needed me to invest my very being.
In answering the question of why I was busy, I realized that I was trying to keep busy to avoid an emotional melt down. Lately, I sit in the quiet of my thoughts and let them take me on a wild chase for answers and a fill of the blanks. I indulge enough to come back and live and go on with life. I feel more melancholic than depressed these days. The sadness as an emotion no longer scares me with its ability to turn into depression. Maybe I am learning to embrace the things that I can't change. I have been found wanting on many things and learning to embrace the unthinkable has helped me find peace in the things that necessitated my busy.
No, I am no longer keeping busy to stay numb. Whenever I feel numbness flowing in, I visited the one place where my emotions run raw and I deal with what is in the way.
