My birthday is in six days and I am starting to have an overwhelming nauseating feeling that I am not ready.
I am not ready to meet 26. I feel inadequate walking into a new year unsure of what the plan is, mostly because 25 ended up with an altered plan. Yes, there was a lot of growing that came with 25 but then what do I take into 26, is a question I wrestle with.
The truth that I am not as young as 20, hits home more now than even at 25. I am into the journey of my late 20s. I am more aware of the responsibilities and consequences thereof that come with 26.
I am scared of not knowing what to imagine a few days from now. I know it will be a normal walk into Thursday because when I think about it, something will definitely change as well within.
So here I am at the finish of a quarter of a century, not sure of what changes will come but more aware of how much I am growing, I am changing and most importantly how many things I am learning to embrace. Oh the struggle with embracing 26.
I am scared, I have questions to what my life would be like if all factors had remained constant. I have doubts and questions of whether I am doing a great job at living and at adulting.
I know I don’t need to overthink growing but with dreams that need actualizing, I have moments of life editing. I see life through lenses of what I have accomplished on this journey. I am not sure if I am doing enough and even if I was, I am not sure I know what that is.
So I walk into 26, with a sulk I cannot avoid and a calmness I am choosing to master. I walk into 26, unsure but determined. I go with no plan but resolve. With heart and drive. Only because, in many years, my heart and gut have proved to be good allies.
I go into 26, raw with emotion but alive.