Many times life brings us to places where our resolve, vulnerability and abilities are put to the forefront. I know that vulnerability is rare because the world is teaching everyone to be strong, keep our heads up and to always have it together most of the time.
But I have also seen the consequences of refusing to embrace vulnerability...a hardened heart, a numbness that becomes familiar to us in many ways. I know so because I have been there.
He was tall, everyone said, we should meet each other long before they could find out that we did meet before they could put us together. I loved him enough to go out with him and a long the way...came the realization that he was emotionally unavailable... scarred and scared to be in a relationship. It felt like an excuse until I found out his story.
He had been fooled not once but twice, a lady held a baby in her womb that wasn't his but made him take care of it until on the delivery bed, when he met face to face with the real father of the Child, he thought he sired... As he told the story, I lived his pain. And here we were...in love yet one of us couldn't give the best of his life because somewhat, the hurt still lingered.
And I bade him goodbye eventually and for the very first time... I felt my heart break.
And as sure as broken hearts heals, so do we find love again. I did grow out if the ache, I lived numb but alive. I survived most times and in moments I never thought of, Love found me.
He was (for lack of a better word) Out of his league, me his friend of many years, not looking to date... Him most probably looking for a fling to wade through. And there he was playing with the fire that I am. We eventually found middle ground, I loved him if I am to speak for myself and for the most part of it I think I was guilty of the adagae that he would loves the most hurts the most. And in all the love that he gave me... I gave double.
I have been accused of loving too much, but my argument is love is a mastery of everything that you are and if you cannot give your all, how then do you hope to make love abide in you?
He was so much my soul mate because he mirrored the flaws and dynamites that made me me. In him, I saw my very self and I found pieces of me that where hidden.
He taught me to love myself and to find beauty in my chaos. He spoke to me in the highest accord of intellect... Awoke my brain to discourse unimaginable and then one day he was gone...
I waited for him to be back, I yearned to bask in the familiarity of his arms but there was only an ache at the other end.
I feared for my heart again, I stayed awake many nights praying for this heart not to break.
I prayed not to break apart and on one lone night after many nights of dreading, I resolved that if I was to break, I would feel it with the intestity that I had loved him. I have come to learn that to find your soul mate doesn't necessarily mean that you will end up with them... Often times, it is too painful. Soul mates serve a purpose for a time. ( I didn't know that then)
But on that lone night, I let him go. I stopped waiting, I stopped hoping that he would be back, his purpose in my life was over. And that is when I broke open.
I felt the heart break, embraced it, went through it, cried, wallowed, nursed the ache, wished it would end, had a pity party for myself and just when I thought that this life would end, I found the light break through. I saw myself rise from the pain, the scorn, the obsession with losing love.
When I look back on the purpose of these two men, the former took me through a phase of numbness even after I went through the heart break. I stop to cry, I stopped to feel and no amount of pain gave me an opening to feel. The years died away blunt and dark and yet I lived.
The former taught me how to love me right back to restoration, in him leaving, he gave me back my ability to be anything that I wanted to be. He gave me back myself and like a thread untangled from a cloth, I felt myself unravel into a version of me that I have waited to meet.
Talk about "a fall in the pit and a gain in the wit"
So here I am, learning that we break sometimes or even many times but it is in our brokenness that the light gets in. And this light makes way into our beings and restores us back. It is in our dark moments that the sun shines brightest because we need the light to find us and bring us back redemption for the broken pieces we hold.
God bless the broken roads of our lives, they have led us straight into beautiful ends.
